


36 Questions

by lilaussieauthor



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: 36 questions, Drugs, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Smut, brief mention of overdose, sleepover, this is probably the softest thing i've ever written, this is very gay, to fall in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-01-02 05:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21156275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaussieauthor/pseuds/lilaussieauthor
Summary: "I've got an idea," Rue murmurs, pushing her forehead needily into Lexi's neck."Oh yeah?""Let's play a game.""What sort of game?"“A question game,” Rue says mysteriously, and then she’s pushing herself from Lexi’s lap and sitting cross legged across from her friend, eyes glimmering.~~~Or - Lexi and Rue are having a sleepover when Rue finds Arthur Aron's 36 Questions That Lead To Love.Naturally, they have to give it a try.





	1. Chapter One ~ the beginning of a possibly very bad idea

**Author's Note:**

> hi i've been working on this for such a long time but it was so fun to write and i have no idea what to do now it's over... i'm posting the first chapter now and i kinda wanna have a release schedule but also if you're nice to me i'm easily persuaded and could very well give you all the chapters in a week. 
> 
> this chap is v short mostly because it's introducing things, but once we get to the actual questions (and the drama!) they'll get progressively longer. 
> 
> that said, stan zendaya! and maude apatow! 
> 
> happy reading!

Lexi’s never sure how they get to these points. The points where Rue’s curled up in her lap, head resting comfortably in the curve of her collarbone, scrolling through her phone, whatever she’s reading eliciting little giggles from her every now and again. She’s not sure how it comes that it’s so late and yet neither of them are tired, how she goes from caring but detached to open and soft within minutes. She’s not sure how they get there, but she’s not complaining.

Rue’s breath flutters over her neck, drawing goosebumps out of the smooth skin there so that Lexi shivers, and Rue laughs quietly, looking up at her friend with a cheeky grin. Her hair’s held back in a messy braid that Lexi had done hours earlier, when they’d sat watching reruns of Glee (a guilty pleasure they’ll never admit to anyone). Lexi will _also _never admit how much she’d loved the feeling of Rue’s soft curls sliding through her fingers. It was almost therapeutic.

Rue looks so small here, curled in her lap. So young and innocent, and for a minute, Lexi’s overcome with an overwhelming urge to keep her best friend safe from anything that could ever hurt her, and her arms tighten around Rue even though she knows she’ll never be able to protect her as well as she wishes she could. Rue snuggles in impossibly further at the gentle change in position, a soft, happy sigh floating from her lips.

Lexi likes clean Rue. She’s calmer. Softer. Squishier.

She looks back down with an equally cheeky grin, her chin brushing one of Rue’s curls and tickling her sensitive skin as she looks down at Rue with bright eyes. “What, crazy?”

Crazy’s a word that people have used to describe Rue her entire life. One time, in primary school, a zit-faced, chubby kid had screeched it at her from the monkey bars and she’d sobbed in Lexi’s arms in the bathroom for what felt like forever until the then-tiny Lexi had stormed out and punched the kid in the face.

It’s the only time Rue can remember Lexi being violent. It had never happened before, and it’s never happened since.

After that day, Rue had been hanging out in Lexi’s room before her mom came to pick her up and Lexi had waltzed in with a cheeky ‘Hi, crazy,’ like they’d been doing it their whole life.

And Rue had found that when it came from Lexi’s mouth, she didn’t really mind the word. It was almost – affectionate.

Loving.

And now it’s kind of their thing.

She giggles up at Lexi again and her best friend lets out a confused chuckle, eyebrow raised.

“I got an idea,” Rue murmurs, pushing her forehead needily into Lexi’s neck. Lexi smiles, a blush spilling over her cheeks, hand coming to rest on top of Rue’s as she holds her friend close. Rue’s always been needy – most of the time as kids Lexi would be the one pushy for hugs, but as they’ve aged it’s almost become the opposite – almost as if Rue would float away without cuddles and Lexi kind of feels like an anchor and maybe that’s not healthy but she wouldn’t change it for the world because – nights like this make it all worth it. She raises an eyebrow, aware that Rue can’t see it because her face is currently buried in Lexi’s neck, eyes blinking rapidly so that it tickles Lexi’s neck. Butterfly kisses.

“Oh yeah?” She mumbles it quietly, fingers stroking softly against the smooth skin of Rue’s wrist. It sends a shiver through the other girl’s body.

“Let’s play a game.” Her voice comes out shaky, breathy, and she coughs softly to steady it. “A game.”

Lexi gives her a soft murmur, hands raking through Rue’s curls again. It’s almost like an obsession, how much she loves the feeling. “What kind of game?”

“A question game,” Rue says mysteriously, and then she’s pushing herself from Lexi’s lap and sitting cross legged across from her friend, eyes glimmering.

“There’s no way this can end well,” Lexi laughs nervously, because Rue looks almost manic, incredibly excited, and Lexi’s not comfortable with where the questions might go. They’ve been best friends for almost fifteen years now and she still has secrets. And she’s not sure she’s ready for Rue to know. Lexi feels her legs begin to shake, and she swallows thickly before looking to her friend.

“Oh, come on,” Rue grins, and then when she meets Lexi’s eyes hers go soft, pleading, a puppy dog look that Lexi can’t say no to. She can never say no to Rue.

“Okay, fine. But we’re stopping as soon as it gets weird.”

“Who says it’s gonna get weird?” Rue asks, but she leans across to take Lexi’s hand with a reassuring squeeze.

That’s another of their things. Ever since they were young, since either of them can remember, they’ve held hands. Through Lexi’s surgeries as a kid and Rue’s panic attacks and everything in between, the two have had each other’s comforting grip and gentle squeezes to get them through.

It’s soft and maybe embarrassing.

But it’s theirs.

Both girls find that sometimes, they don’t even have to say anything. The other just _knows_. Knows when something’s wrong. Knows when something’s upsetting them or they’re nervous. It’s intuition at this point.

Rue looks back down at her phone, one hand still holding Lexi’s, the other clutching the pale pink screen that’s reflecting back onto her face, and then looks back up with a smile. “Okay. Okay. This one has thirty six – oh my god, Lex.”

“Oh my god what?” Lexi finds herself swept up in Rue’s excitement, a little bubble of warmth brewing in her stomach as she scooches closer to Rue, craning her neck to see the dull screen, a screen that Rue turns away quickly with a grin. Lexi looks up in confusion, letting out a small giggle at the pure joy on her friend’s face. “What?”

“It says we’re gonna fall in looooove,” Rue coos, her eyes sparkling. She looks up, poking her tongue out at Lexi, foot nudging softly against her friend’s.

Her friend who’s bubble has just popped, who’s stomach is sinking, who’s whole world is crumbling around her.

“Hey,” Rue says softly, eyes seeking Lexi’s. “You okay?”

“Do we have to do this?” Lexi manages out, teeth gnawing on her bottom lip as an already prominent blush erupts over her pale cheeks.

“It’ll be fun, I promise,” Rue grins. “Just give it a try, okay? I’ll stop as soon as you say.”

Lexi still looks hesitant. She’s not sure there’s any world in which this could end well.

“Come on,” Rue says again, even though it’s slightly selfish because she knows Lexi would never make her do anything she didn’t want to. “For me?”

And Lexi’s never been able to say no to her, so she looks up in exhaustion. “Fine. For you.”


	2. Chapter Two ~ this type of friendship we share

“Question One,” Rue reads out, and her voice is deep and sharp like a game master, and Lexi giggles despite the butterflies erupting in her stomach. Rue’s hand is still securely in hers and Lexi gives it a squeeze, receiving one in return as well as a quick smile that she reciprocates before Rue says dramatically - “If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?”

Rue looks almost disappointed, and her comical face makes Lexi laugh out loud. “What’s wrong?”

“These are boring questions,” Rue declares, throwing her phone down with a pout and dropping Lexi’s hand to run it through her braid. Lexi feels the loss immediately but uses her now free hand to pick up Rue’s phone, scrolling back to the question.

“No, they’re not. Let’s just give them a try.” She’s hit with a wave of confidence she doesn’t know the origin of and she’s not sure she likes, but she grins at Rue who looks defiantly back at her.

“They’re not gonna make us fall in love,” Rue says stubbornly. “This is dumb.”

“You wanna fall in love with me?” Lexi teases, reaching a hand out to tickle Rue’s side. The aforementioned girl giggles youthfully and Lexi’s filled with warmth. “Wait, you don’t _already_ love me?”

Rue scoffs. “I do love you.”

Lexi pokes her tongue out, though her chest warms and a stupid tingling feeling starts in her toes and travels all the way to her ears. “It was your idea…”

“Dumb idea on my behalf,” Rue proclaims. “Let’s play something else.”

“Give them a go,” Lexi says quietly, looking up at Rue with her lips tight together, an almost nervous look in her eyes. Rue softens almost instantly. “Just five questions.”

“Seven,” Rue says immediately, her eyes locking on Lexi’s. Seven is her number and if they don't do seven - god, she doesn't want to think about it, the anxiety would be overwhelming, it would ruin their whole night -

“Seven,” Lexi agrees with a knowing smile, unfolding one of her legs and stretching it out, feeling pins and needles explode up and down it. Rue copies her movements and rests her leg over Lexi’s, smiling in this gentle way Lexi’s never seen her smile at anyone else like.

If she was being selfish, she’d say Rue saves that particular smile just for her.

But she isn’t. And Rue doesn’t.

“What was the question again?” She asks, clearing her throat awkwardly, and Rue gives her knee this little tap with a smile.

“You have the phone,” she giggles, and Lexi giggles nervously back.

“Oh – oh, right – uh… dinner with someone, right?”

“You read them terribly,” Rue announces. “My turn.”

Lexi feigns shock – maybe too well, because Rue looks aghast.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, that was bitchy, you’re doing great –”

“You’re fine,” Lexi grins. “You read them better anyway.”

Rue shakes her head mutely and Lexi’s soft fingers find her hand again, a gentle squeeze emitted before she reads – slightly more confidently than before –

_If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?_

“You first,” Rue says softly, fingers still interlaced with Lexi’s.

“You go,” Lexi grins.

“No. Please.” And there’s something in Rue’s eyes that make Lexi smile and say “Bob Ross.”

“Of course,” Rue giggles suddenly. “Oh, my god, art nerd.”

Lexi hits her softly, teasingly. “Okay, then. Who’s yours?”

“My dad,” Rue says, and everything falls quiet. Lexi looks at her for a long time before Rue’s smiling. “I mean, duh. Who else?”

“I’m sorry about your dad,” Lexi whispers, not because she hasn’t before but because she feels the need to every time.

“And I’m sorry about yours – come on, Lex, we’re in the same boat here. It’s fine. You gotta stop apologising.”

“Sorry,” Lexi says hesitantly, a word that makes Rue laugh so that her mouth is wide open in a grin, a grin that makes Lexi’s heart stutter and her hand fall from Rue’s in a sweaty mess and her neck go hot and red.

She wants to be able to make Rue laugh like that all the time.

“Okay, back to you falling in love with me,” Rue grins, a snicker still on her lips, and Lexi sniffs, suddenly scared. “Next question, madame, is – Would you like to be famous?”

“No way,” Lexi says at the same time Rue’s like “Hell yes!”, a fact that makes them both giggle.

“Okay, why yes?” Lexi grins, and Rue’s face lifts.

“Being famous would be so cool… like, I could be an author or some shit… and – I don’t know, it’d just be cool, don’t you think?” Rue goes quiet again, her face perplexed. “Why not?”

“Waaaaay too much pressure,” Lexi says immediately, her grin growing when Rue’s eyes brighten. “Imagine that! Everyone looking up at you, watching your every mood – no, thank you.”

“I think the pressure would be helpful,” Rue suggests. “Like… like, it would be harder to be a fuckup as a famous person because everyone would know… you know?”

“Maybe,” Lexi agrees. “Or maybe it would just make you more likely to be a fuckup?”

This sentence makes Rue giggle uncontrollably. Maybe it’s because Lexi hardly ever swears or maybe it’s because they’re disagreeing on such a trivial subject but it’s all of the sudden way too funny for her and she’s snorting, which makes Lexi giggle along with her, which in turn makes Rue laugh harder until they’ve collapsed against each other in a fit of giggles.

Rue’s the first one to stop, pulling back and wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “Going back to falling in love – question three…” _Three of seven, Rue. This doesn't have to end the way you think it will._

"Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?"

“Yes,” Lexi says quietly, and Rue cocks her head.

“_Really_?”

“Hell, yeah,” Lexi grins, pushing the nervousness down and focusing on the way Rue’s eyes are focused wholly on her. “Like… you don’t?”

“I don’t normally make phone calls to anyone but you or my mom,” Rue admits, a small grin on her lips. “And like – my mom’s my _mom_… and you’re you. You’re just – you’re my Lex.”

Lexi’s heart fucking _inflates_ at those words and she looks down, grateful it’s kinda dark so Rue can’t see the heavy blush spreading across her cheeks. “I don’t know… I just do… so I don’t stuff it up.”

“Do you rehearse it for me?” Rue asks curiously.

Lexi feels her whole body flush red and she bites her lip.

“Oh my god, you _do_!”

“S-Sorry…”

“No – no, hey, look at me,” Rue whispers, and it’s such a different dynamic that Lexi does look at her, her almost teary eyes meeting Rue’s concerned ones. “That’s not a bad thing,” Rue promises. “I think it’s cute.”

And then both Lexi and Rue feel simultaneous _oh, crap_ feelings sweep through their bodies, making each girl shiver almost perfectly in unison.

Lexi’s _oh, crap_ is because Rue just called her cute and her whole body is tingling with this happy high that’s probably really dangerous but she doesn’t care because Rue called her _cute_.

Well, not really. But kind of.

And Rue’s _oh_, _crap_, is because she’s hit with the sudden though that this is an activity she should be doing with _Jules_.

She’s in love with Jules. This should be something that’s simply _them_.

Lexi squeezes her hand softly and looks up, her eyes inquisitive. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Rue nods, her voice cracking. She turns her face down, unwilling to look at Lexi, her voice an octave too high to be genuine. “Your turn for a question.”

Lexi doesn't seem to notice. She shifts her arm so that she’s more comfortable and then turns back to Rue’s phone, flicking it on. “Password?”

Rue raises her eyebrow and Lexi grins, typing in the perfectly symmetrical password that Rue’s had for as long as she can remember – 2846.

The screen flicks back to the questions but Lexi catches a glimpse of Rue’s homescreen – a selfie of her and Jules, the latter’s lips pressed up against Rue’s temple, Lexi’s best friend’s face contorted into a happy grin.

She feels her chest sink and she quickly navigates back to the question, croaking out “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”

And Rue, poor, oblivious, innocent Rue –

She breaks Lexi’s fucking heart.


	3. Chapter Three ~ you lie and i lie but we're both telling the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rue's so oblivious and probably needs to learn to think before she talks. lexi's learning to hold back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was reading through this fic the other day and just saying - y'all aren't ready for what's coming. this chapter in relation to the rest is pretty short and sweet but whatever. angst is coming. fluff is coming. //smut// is coming. 
> 
> anyways this chapter is dedicated to ali/blaze/@chxnidale. i know it's been a rough week boo but i'm so proud of you and you're so. goddamn. strong. keep being amazing. i love you so much. 
> 
> happy reading!

Lexi doesn’t realise she’s crying until Rue’s voice circles clearly in the fog of her brain, a soft hand stroking across her cheek. “Lex? What’s wrong?”

Lexi’s eyes flutter shut, chest constricting until Rue scoots over and wraps her arms carefully around her waist, her nails gently raking across Lexi’s hip. “Hey… breathe with me. Breathe with me… what’s going on, Lexi?”

Lexi takes a shuddering breath, nothing running through her head except –

_Probably just spending a day like this with you. _

The casual way it had floated out of Rue’s mouth. The way she’d given her the tiny half smile – a smile Lexi was now selfishly naming Rue’s _Lexi smile_. The way Rue’s voice had tilted up slightly at the end of her sentence, the soft squeeze of her hand that had followed.

The pure sinking of her heart at those words.

“Look at me, Lexi,” Rue’s whispering. “Please look at me.”

Had she said something? Was something wrong?

Lexi’s eyes flick open again, and she wipes her eyes quickly, almost ashamed, but Rue’s got her in such a comfortable hug that she’s not even sure why she’s crying anymore.

Maybe because that’s exactly how she’d spend her perfect day, too.

“Are you telling the truth?” Lexi whispers gently, her lips fluttering against Rue’s neck and sending a shudder through the other girl’s body.

Fuck, I’m gay, Rue thinks, and for the first time it dawns on her that maybe this _isn’t_ such a great idea.

But she nods, a small smile on her lips as she rakes her fingers over Lexi’s neck before pushing her gently up, eyes sparkling. “Of course I am. Now, come on, let’s get back to falling in love.”

And Lexi doesn’t have the courage she knows Jules has – if Jules was here, she’d be all ‘But Rue, I’m _already_ in love with you!’

Lexi’s not like that.

Not at all. She and Jules are almost at completely different ends of the scale.

“Rue.”

Rue shifts slightly, because Lexi’s almost in the middle of her lap, their chests pressed up against each other and somehow, Lexi’s legs are wrapped around Rue’s waist. “Yeah?”

Lexi takes a shaky breath again, uncomfortably aware of how hot her inner thighs have suddenly become, how Rue’s waist is pressed against hers.

“I’m not like Jules,” she whispers softly, eyes cast downward. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Rue swallows heavily. Lexi’s hit a sore point and she immediately feels bad for bringing it up, curling her arms tighter around her friend to apologise silently. “I don’t want you to be like her, Lex.”

“You don’t?’

“Of course not,” Rue grins, back to her usual self and shifts so that Lexi feels a spark fly up her lower stomach. “I love you for you.” She pauses, completely unaware of how heavily those words have affected her best friend, and then grins. “Aw, shit. Looks like I already love you. The questions are pointless.”

Lexi’s frozen still but somehow the soft thought that she should probably say something if she wants to maintain any sort of composure dawns through her foggy brain and she hiccups out a quiet “It’s to fall _in_ love, Rue.”

“Right…” Rue slurs, grinning again. “Sorry. Let’s get back to falling _in_ love, kay, Lex?”

Rue’s been calling her Lex for as long as Lexi can remember but she can never recall feeling so incredibly… _turned on_ by it. So much so that she ducks her head to hide the blush and shifts backwards, clenching her thighs together as soon as she’s not straddling Rue. Rue looks a little lost without the comfort and almost immediately scoots over to rest her head on Lexi’s shoulder – she’s always been needy.

Lexi doesn’t mind.

She picks up the phone, desperate for some sort of distraction for the sensation that’s spreading throughout her body, tingling up and down as Rue’s chest rises and falls, waiting for Lexi to talk.

She goes to read out the next question but Rue sits up so suddenly that her head knocks on Lexi’s chin, causing the taller girl to giggle which _of course _ensures Lexi does as well, even though there’s pain shooting up her jawline.

Maybe the pain’s a good thing. It almost knocks some sense back into her and suddenly she’s not a lovesick mess and back to Lexi Howard and it feels good. Better. More controlled.

Rue’s looking at her, a small smile on her face. “Wait – you didn’t answer. Your perfect day.”

Lexi swallows, her eyes trained on a small loose thread she’s now wholly focused on picking at.

_Us two, at the lake, like we used to when we were kids. Swimming with only pool noodles to hold us up, each splashing the other until we’re cold and shivering so we sprint up the beach and wrap ourselves together in a towel. The long walk that isn’t really that long but feels like forever, up through the lots and towards the ice cream shop where I’ll get caramel and you’ll get mint, because you like how clean it tastes. We’ll take licks from each others and as always I’ll comment about how yours is too strong and you’ll say something about how mine is too sweet but we both know the other likes it. And then you’ll come back to my house or I’ll come back to yours and we’ll curl up under the blanket and watch dumb movies and you’ll cry but I’ll pretend not to see because you hate admitting your weaknesses, but still, I’ll reach my hand out and give yours a soft squeeze and then we’ll be a tangle of limbs and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up just like that. Entwined. _

But instead, she says quietly. “Probably just chilling here and watching Netflix. With you.”

Rue seems satisfied, and she gives Lexi a tiny smile before plonking her chin right on her friend’s shoulder and reading aloud from the phone.

_“When did you last sing to yourself… to someone else?”_

Rue falls quiet, a fact Lexi picks up on immediately. She reaches a hand up to press two fingers against Rue’s neck, pressing gently on a point she knows is soothing, a gesture that makes Rue smile and say softly “My dad used to sing us to sleep every night… sometimes, when Gia’s really sad, she comes in and sleeps in my bed and I’ll sing to her.”

“Cassie sings, sometimes,” Lexi whispers in response. A secret for a secret. A fact for a fact. “When Mum’s especially bad, and we can’t sleep, she’ll sing… it’s weird, but it’s nice.”

“Do you still sing?” They’d been in choir in primary school for a total of one hour before Maddy had declared it ‘dumb’ – and back then, they all listened to Maddy.

Lexi never had. She’d stayed in choir, and gone religiously every Tuesday before school and come into class humming softly under her breath, a trait Rue always associated with safety.

Lexi shrugs, her eyes lighting up in a way Rue knows means yes. “Sing to me,” she requests, really quietly. “Please.”

Lexi ducks her head immediately. “No!”

“Why not?”

“Because… I can’t even sing, Rue.”

“Liar,” Rue murmurs, inching back over to curl up against Lexi’s side. “Please, Lex?”

Lexi sighs, her eyes searching Rue’s and finding genuine curiosity and slight… desire? She breathes out heavily again – she should’ve known she was doomed as soon as Rue even asked. “Okay… okay, fine… What do you want me to sing?”

“Anything,” Rue mumbles, a big smile on her lips, her eyes closed in tranquillity.

And so, looking exactly like that, slotted together, Lexi begins to sing. It’s a short song, Nat King Cole’s _Smile_, and when she’s singing it she almost forgets that she’s in love with a girl who doesn’t love her back, almost forgets that Rue’s a whole ass drug addict and that this _isn’t_ normal, as much as she wishes it were.

And when she finishes on the last, soft note, Rue’s completely calm, so perfectly at peace with everything that she lets them sit together for a minute, Lexi’s chest rising and falling as Rue sits there, so utterly content for the first time in her life that she leans up and carefully presses her lips to the corner of Lexi’s mouth. “It worked,” she whispers softly, because she really _is_ in love with Lexi at this moment, and she notices the sudden hitch of Lexi’s breath, how the other girl stops breathing for a second before a small smile forms on her lips.

“What did?” And her heart’s thumping so heavily, little sparks flying through her chest.

Rue sighs happily, resting back against her, her eyes falling closed. She hasn’t felt this calm and at peace for – for her whole life.

Not without drugs.

And she looks up softly and Lexi looks back down at her and then Rue’s wrapping her in the biggest hug and murmuring “I think I’m falling in love with you, Lex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment or come talk to me @gracefuldaya on twitter :)) love to you all xx


	4. Chapter Four ~ and i can't stay, just let me hold you for a little longer now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know the deal. more questions. more lex-pining-over-rue. more angst n fluff n drama. enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hello hi! sorry it's been agesssssssss but i've had exams and i wasn't actually planning to post today because i still have one more exam tomorrow bUT i was pretty happy with how today's one (the important one) went so here's me rewarding myself. also i'm out tomorrow so it would be difficult to update so it's EARLY. 
> 
> i've been super stressed lately so um. this chapter is kinda depressing, but uh whatever. and i also combined two chapters to make one longer one sooooo the second part is pretty... monumental hehe. 
> 
> i kinda also went on strike from updating lmao because the euphoria account on twitter asked for my address n then refused to ship it to australia so i went sad hours and petty but whatever im over their blatant australphobia. whatever. :\
> 
> i'm listening to still don't know my name right now. it's very boppy. 
> 
> can you tell i'm procrastinating studying for maths!? hmm same. 
> 
> anyways chuck us a comment! i love hearing what you think :))
> 
> enjoy!!

_And she looks up softly and Lexi looks back down at her and then Rue’s wrapping her in the biggest hug and murmuring “I think I’m falling in love with you, Lex.”_

~~~

Lexi doesn’t know how she keeps functioning, considering her whole world is imploding and there are alarm bells going off throughout her brain and every single little sense is multiplied by five thousand. But she does – she grins at Rue and quickly kisses her head before picking up the small phone again and unlocking it, eyes sparkling as she faces Rue again, her cheeks blushed a dark red, and speaks quietly.

“We’re only on question five. You can’t be sure.”

Rue shrugs. “I think I am. But we can find out, hmm? Gotta keep doing the questions.”

And somewhere, in the very back of Lexi’s mind, she realises that they probably _shouldn’t_. They should stop here and go to sleep and in the morning all of this will just be another of Rue’s crazy ideas and Lexi will be heartbroken but it will be okay because Rue will be okay.

If they keep going, there’s a possibility that Rue won’t be.

But Lexi’s on this crazy high and she feels selfish for the first time in her life and so she agrees. She agrees and Rue grins and everything’s worth it as Rue says cheekily “I love you.”

She grins back. “I love you too.”

“After question ten,” Rue says, a look on her face like a child talking about what they're feeding Rudolph this year - serious and passionate and overly naïve. “We gotta get some snacks. Okay?”

“Okay, crazy,” Lexi smiles at her, so utterly besotted with the childish way Rue comes out of her shell when they’re alone together – at school her friend is moody and depressed and always with _Jules_… but here, now, with Lexi, Rue’s like the five year old they all know she is at heart, acting soft and young and immature and at that moment Lexi’s not sure she could possibly love her any more.

“Question six!” Rue says excitedly, like a kid in a candy store, and she shuffles backward a bit so they’re no longer touching. “I think being all cuddly isn’t really gonna help, you know? Like an uncontrolled variable.”

Lexi laughs. “If you say so.”

“This one’s kinda boring,” Rue says with a pout. “Can I skip it?”

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?” Lexi thumbs with her duvet comforter, grasping a handful of soft material in her fist and then letting it spill out over her hand. “Uncontrolled variable, remember?”

“Ugh, fine,” Rue agrees. “Answer quick, then.”

“You haven’t read it yet,” Lexi points out, and Rue finds this stupidly hilarious to the point Lexi asks hesitantly “Are you high?”

Rue giggles again. “No. Only on you.”

And she’s really gotta stop saying things like that because the apex of Lexi’s thighs twinges again and holy _crap_ there’s no way this can end well. “Oh, shut up,” she says timidly, and Rue giggles again, reaching her hand over to trail up and down Lexi’s knee cap. It’s a tiny gesture but she feels sparkles erupt all over her body, knee unconsciously tilting upwards to meet Rue’s fingertips.

“Okay,” Rue says, totally – _blissfully_ – unaware of the effect of her fingers on Lexi’s whole entire existence. “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind of the body of a thirty year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”

Lexi almost misses the entire question and then shakes her head comically to try and shake the thoughts running through her head. “Oh… a body, definitely.” _Body? Really, Lex? _“Because – because, you get wiser with age, right? But like… your body diminishes and your mind grows. So body. And like… you can’t get as turned on when you’re ninety.” _Fuck, Lexi!_

Rue smirks. “You planning to still get turned on at ninety, Lex?”

Lexi blushes deeply again, hitting herself internally while she _tries_ to keep some sort of cool on the outside. “You’re saying you wouldn’t?”

Rue shakes her head. “I’d keep my mind.”

“But you’d be so –”

“My mind’s always gonna be fucked up, Lexi. And as I age it’s gonna get more fucked up. I’d rather be a tiny bit less fucked up and old and wrinkly than fit, young – able to be turned on – and completely brain dead. Because what’s the point of being turned on if I can’t think about the sex?”

“Oh, _stop_, I wasn’t thinking,” Lexi giggles. “I was distracted.”

“By what?” Rue asks curiously, and Lexi shrugs.

“Things…”

“Mysterious,” Lexi watches as Rue gives her a quick smile. “Okay… next question. I want snacks. So we gotta get through the next few questions because – Lexi, you make the best fucking mochaccinos.”

“Coffee’s probably not a good idea, Rue,” Lexi giggles. “Come on, then, what’s the question?”

But Rue’s gone strangely quiet, so Lexi snatches the phone from her hands and reads the question herself.

_Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die_?

Lexi swallows thickly, chest heavy. “Rue?”

Rue looks up, eyes cloudy and her voice monotone. She’s never really admitted this to anyone, so talking like it’s not affecting her might help. “I’ve always thought I’d do it myself.”

Lexi’s heart clenches.

No.

She won’t let this happen.

On _god_, she will not let Rue Bennett die.

There’s no words to explain the inexplicable fear that she feels, that Rue’s gonna be ripped away from her – _again_ – without warning. “You look at me, Rue Bennett,” she says, maybe slightly too fierce but caring nevertheless. “You promise me right now that you’ll never leave me.”

Rue shrugs, eyes downcast. “Might be better for everyone, Lex.”

“Not for me,” Lexi says, so desperately that she’s shocked Rue doesn’t look up in surprise. “Not for me, Rue, okay? I need – fuck, Rue, I need you to look at me, okay?” She’s on the very verge of tears. “Please, Rue… please.”

And Rue looks up and she’s really quite surprised to see tears in Lexi’s eyes. “Lex… why – don’t cry, okay? I’m not – I’m not about to run off and kill myself… it just doesn’t seem like that much of a push.”

“It needs to be, Rue. I need you – I need you to promise – _fuck!_” Lexi swallows tightly. She’s begun to imagine a world without Rue and she’s kind of freaking out and she really needs some sort of –

“Lexi. Look at me.”

Lexi almost laughs, despite the seriousness of the situation, because normally it’s _her_ who needs to say that, when Rue’s panicking, but it’s not Rue now it’s her – she’s freaking out because –

“You can’t fucking leave me, Rue!”

“I’m not – I’m not, okay, shhh…” Rue coos gently, leaning forward to cradle Lexi’s head against her chest. “It’s okay… deep breaths, Lex… you’re okay, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t l-leave me, Rue… don’t leave, ple-please don’t ever leave – leave me…” Lexi’s sobbing properly now, her head resting tight against Rue’s chest and she’s vaguely aware that her face is in the middle of Rue’s fucking boobs but she’s so scared right now that it doesn’t even affect her. How did everything go so terribly downhill in less than a minute? How had her whole world just _crashed and burned_ and Rue couldn’t even see?

“Please don’t leave,” she hiccups again, and Rue soothes her softly with little kisses on her forehead and her long fingers stroking through Lexi’s hair.

“I’m not going anywhere, okay?” She whispers softly, and Lexi’s teary eyes meet hers.

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Rue smiles, her mouth once again resting against Lexi’s forehead, soft lips sitting perfectly in the space between Lexi’s eyebrows. “It’s okay, Lex. Deep breaths. I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Lexi murmurs, and they both fall silent. Lexi shifts softly until it’s just them, chest to chest, forehead against forehead, and it dawns on her that their lips are mere centimetres away from each other, soft breaths being shared in the miniscule space between their faces, and Lexi’s chest is pounding but somehow, they’re stuck in this tiny moment of absolute intimacy together.

And she wouldn’t be anywhere else.

~~~

Lexi doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but as she calms down she realises just how detrimental this really could be for their friendship and she sniffles and opens her eyes, pulling Rue into a tight hug just to move from the position they were in.

Because she _really_ wants to kiss Rue right now.

She wants to kiss her until Rue forgets everything, forgets why she’d even think about ending her life – _fuck_ – forget that they’re just friends and everything they’ve done tonight has probably been a huge mistake. She wants Rue to forget Jules and forget drugs and love _her_.

But she can’t.

So she gives Rue a tentative smile and tries her hardest not to look at Rue’s soft, thin lips, focuses instead on her deep brown eyes, shining with uncharacteristic concern.

“Next question?” She asks softly, and it dawns on Rue that Lexi never answered the death hunch one but she doesn’t push it because she’s kind of really worried now.

Because Rue Bennett leans on people and takes and never gives and she’s dealing with that, but she hasn’t realised just how scary it is to be the person being leant on.

She’s overcome with this sense of responsibility, and for a moment a thread of guilt flushes over her – is this how Jules feels? Fez? Her mom and Gia?

But then Lexi reads out the next question with a slightly choked voice and Rue’s back to focusing on her. It feels weird to be looking out for someone – to care. Because yeah, she cares for Gia and her mom and Fezco and Jules but… they look out for her. Now she’s looking out for Lexi and Rue finds she really _cares_ about how this ends.

And, not for the first time, it dawns on Rue that maybe this isn’t a good idea.

Because Rue falls in love like one falls in a dream – fast and never-ending until she’s brought back to consciousness and it smacks into her that it was all in her head.

And she doesn’t want to lose Lexi almost as much as Lexi doesn’t want to lose her.

“Three things in common with me,” Lexi says again, and Rue comes crashing back into the now.

It’s always been a problem. She goes off on these thoughts and it’s kind of impossible to bring her back down to earth.

But Lexi’s always been able to.

“We both… have sisters,” Rue says dumbly, and Lexi giggles.

“Boring.”

“You do one, then,” Rue teases, aware that Lexi’s still pressed up against her side. She hasn’t let go since Rue admitted she’s kind-of-semi-suicidal.

Lexi goes quiet. And it's not just the soft silence of being alone at 11pm, it's this eery silence heavily weighted with suspense. “We’re both…”

Rue’s always thought she was kind of psychic. And right now, she’s hit with the sinking realisation that something _monumental_ is about to happen. She’s not sure where the thought comes from, but it hits her hard and she’s so sure that it scares her.

And then Lexi’s mouth opens again and Rue almost fucking passes out.

“We’re both into girls.”

Rue’s heart explodes – with so many emotions she’s rendered speechless.

Guilt.

Shock.

Shame.

Love.

Hope.

Lexi’s chest is tight when she giggles nervously and whispers “Please say something, Rue.”

Rue looks down at her, aware that now’s the time she should give a ‘I’m so proud of you and that’s perfectly fine and I love you and I appreciate you telling me’ speech but she’s still struggling to process it so instead she says dumbly. “Are you fucking with me?”

Lexi laughs. “No.”

“Wait – for real, Lex, no shit?”

“Yes,” Lexi giggles. “No shit.”

Rue’s eyes light up and suddenly it hits her. “Oh, my god, Lex! Welcome to the fucking club!”

Lexi giggles, falling stupidly into Rue as Rue peppers kisses against her face. She feels stupidly giddy and slightly dizzy with the sheer freedom of finally telling someone, finally letting it out.

“I’ve never told anyone that,” Lexi says softly, and Rue sighs happily.

“I’m honoured,” she says stupidly, because Lexi’s _into girls._

“Wait – wait, we kissed once,” Rue says, eyebrows furrowing. “We kissed once and you said it was weird.”

Lexi ducks her head.

Because it _was_ weird. It was weird to kiss someone you’ve known your whole life and suddenly realise you’re in love with them. It was weird that it didn’t really seem to affect Rue but her whole world shattered. It was weird to think that this was probably the only time she’d ever kiss her.

She regrets pulling away.

Because if she had’ve known what was going to happen, she would’ve kissed Rue back and never let go.

“I was wrong,” Lexi whispers. “I don’t think it’s weird anymore.”

“We should go again,” Rue grins, and she’s not thinking straight at all because Lexi’s fucking _into girls_.

“I’m sorry?”

“We should kiss!”

“Rue –”

“Forget it,” she’s immediately humiliated. “It was a dumb idea.”

And maybe Lexi’s on a high from finally coming out. Maybe she’s not thinking right. But she shakes her head, a huge smile on her face, and quickly pecks Rue’s lips, tingles erupting all over her body as she pulls back, face beet red.

Through Rue’s shocked brain, she manages out “That wasn’t a real kiss.”

Lexi giggles again, stuck on this dumb high, and smirks. “Later. When you’ve fallen in love with me. Then you get a real kiss.”

Rue grins back, not sure why she’s feeling so confident but speaking up nevertheless. “Better get back to falling in love with you then, hmm?”

Lexi shakes her head almost as if she’s about to giggle again. “Okay, okay…" Her tongue catches between her teeth, eyes scrunching in concentration. "For what in your life do you feel most grateful?” Lexi asks, and then she grins. “This is easy.”

“Tis not,” Rue moans, flopping backwards in some grim kind of exhaustion. “I don’t know – drugs?”

“Rue!” Lexi squeals, but she’s laughing and Rue smiles at the sound.

“Joking.” Kind of. “Probably Gia.” Or Jules. “Or my momma.”

_Jules_. It’s Jules and they both know it. Lexi falls quiet. “Not – not Jules?”

Rue swallows. “She left me, Lex.” But it still is her, still remains that Rue’s most grateful for a girl who couldn’t give a fuck about her. “Do you think you can love someone even if they hurt you over and over?”

Lexi’s heart clenches. “Yeah. I do.” And then she looks at Rue in a way Rue doesn’t understand. Almost like she’s upset with a small child but _not mad, just disappointed_. And Rue’s the small child, and suddenly she feels the need to please Lexi so she sits up properly and takes Lexi’s hand, rubbing her thumb over it smoothly.

“What about you?”

“Right now?” Lexi asks, trying to buy some time and concentrate on anything other than the pleasant pins and needles shooting up her hand from where Rue’s stroking.

“Right now, always, whenever. What are you most grateful for?”

_Ah, fuck it._ “You,” she says softly, and Rue’s face contorts so comically that Lexi forgets to be self-conscious and laughs out loud.

“Why _me_?” Rue asks, and it’s so genuine that Lexi’s laugh dies on her lips and she frowns.

“Don’t say that.”

“I’m serious! Why me?”

“Because –” Lexi says, faltering, because she really hasn’t thought this through. “Because you’re – you’re amazing –”

“No, I’m not,” Rue giggles.

“Shut up,” Lexi grins. “Yes, you are. You’re amazing and you – you inspire me to be a good person, you know?” She trails off. “This is weird.”

“Kinda,” Rue agrees, grinning. “But keep going.”

“I don’t know,” Lexi sighs, even though she knows exactly. “I’m just really grateful that you’re still here. You – you really scare me sometimes, you know?”

Rue looks up at her. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. Just don’t do it again.”

Rue giggles. “You sound like my mom.”

“Ew!”

There’s a soft silence and then Rue looks up. “I truly do love you, Lex,” she whispers seriously. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

And Lexi – poor, flustered Lexi – she closes her eyes and draws Rue in for a cuddle and holds her tight because honestly, she’s not sure what she’d do without Rue either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again please let me know what you thought! also bc im gonna have some more time in the coming weeks post exams, let me know if a) you have any rexi prompts (or euphoria in general) or b) if you're a writer and wanna collab on an au im super excited about but can't brainstorm enough ideas to actually write. 
> 
> also another question for y'all to answer: would you rather longer chapters, but less of them (it says 16 at the moment but it would probably end up about 11 or 12) or same length sort of chapters and more of them (so yeah, 16 or 17. more often, too). let me know!
> 
> pleaseeee leave me a comment and let's all hope i don't fail this maths exam! love you alllll :))


	5. Chapter Five ~ what if i were to just hold you and never let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys they're so cute the first bit of this chapter and i'm so sorry i ruined it lmao.   
sorry the chapter is late btw! please remind me to update haha i've literally been watching shake it up for the past week.

“I feel like our answers for this one are gonna be the same,” Rue says, a little while later when they’re done being soft and Rue’s getting a little uncomfortable with how much she wants to just hold Lexi forever because honestly?

She doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

“What’s the question?” Lexi asks, spread out on her stomach with her chin resting on Rue’s crosslegged knee. She's feeling unusually at peace with her unrequited love for Rue. It's weird. She's not sure she likes it. 

Because it means she might do something she'll regret. 

Rue's voice shocks her out of her too-busy thoughts, and she taps her chin gently against the knobs of Rue's kneecap, casting her eyes up to meet the taller girl's as she repeats the question.

“If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?”

“My dad,” Lexi says, locking eyes with Rue properly. “You too, right?”

“I want him back,” she nods. Her gentle eyes are sad, regretful. Lexi assumes hers look the same. “It wasn’t fucking fair, Lexi.”

“It wasn’t,” Lexi agrees. “Not fucking fair at all.”

Rue smiles, eyes crinkling upwards at the edges. “Your dad was cool, Lex.”

“Yours was cooler,” Lexi grins, butting her nose into the bare skin of Rue’s knee. She’s coming slowly to the realisation that even if Rue doesn’t fall in love with her, they’re already impossibly closer as friends – and they’re only ten questions in.

This thought fills her with a tiny glimmer of hope and she grins up at Rue in this goofy, lovesick way that she usually tries to squish down deep inside of her but tonight, sitting up late with Rue – she’s letting everything out and maybe that’s why this dumb question game is working so well.

“You really think this will work?” Lexi asks her giddily, and Rue smiles.

“I don’t know. Are you falling in love with me?”

Lexi giggles, blushing. “I don’t know. Are you falling in love with me?”

It’s something Jules would say, and Rue answers immediately in the way she’d answer Jules. “Maybe I am.”

Lexi blushes heavily and pulls Rue up before she does something she regrets. “That’s question ten, right?” She asks, and Rue picks up on a slight tightness in her voice. “That means –”

“Hot chocolate!” Rue grins. “I love your hot chocolate.”

“My most admirable feature,” Lexi flicks her hair, and Rue giggles again.

“Hey Lex,” she bites back a smile. “We’re kinda insane.”

“I love us, though,” Lexi murmurs, eyes sparkling. “Come on, crazy. Chocolate time.”

She pulls Rue down the hallway towards the kitchen, and if her mom questions why they’re making hot chocolate and mug cakes at almost midnight she doesn’t say anything, and soon Lexi’s got bowls and spoons and cocoa and milk and so many other ingredients out and Rue’s giggling manically, eyes flicking this way and that as Lexi pulls her around in her ditzy state.

It’s unlike Rue’s ever seen her, and she finds it kind of freeing – seeing Lexi, normally so serious and calm, now a little bit high and laughy and _fun_.

It’s the best time she’s had in ages.

It’s better than Jules.

Almost better than drugs.

Rue grins big at Mrs Howard who just raises her eyebrow and makes Lexi promise not to make too much mess and to have it all cleaned by morning, and Rue’s pouring flour and way too much sugar into little cups that she mixes with cocoa and water and egg – or something.

They’re not really following a recipe.

It could end terribly.

Then she puts them in the microwave for a few minutes and when she pulls them out they’ve gone everywhere but – hey! At least they’re cakes!

Lexi grins and scoops big blobs of Nutella on top and then presses a little to Rue’s nose, and Rue giggles and swabs some on Lexi’s chin and then Lexi giggles back and somehow they’ve both got Nutella all over their faces.

Rue stretches out her hand and takes Lexi’s cheek in her palm, and Lexi’s breath catches as they fall silent.

“There’s some on your lip,” Rue husks lowly, and Lexi swallows so thickly that Rue can see the gulp through her throat.

_It’s now or fucking never,_ Lexi thinks.

_This is your moment_.

_Your Squizzy Taylor moment. _

_It’s now, Lexi. _

_Stop being a fucking coward. _

“You should maybe clean it up,” she squeaks, and immediately breaks out into a strong blush, kicking herself inside, because it was supposed to come out low and seductive but instead she fucking _squeaked_ and now Rue’s going to –

Her thoughts are cut off by Rue’s gentle lips pressing up against hers. Lexi’s eyes flutter closed, her minding going blank as her lower stomach sparks. A tongue darts out, and Lexi gasps slightly as her body erupts with tingling and Rue’s lips pucker softly around the small spot of Nutella, sucking slightly before her tongue swipes over it and she pulls back.

“All better,” she says simply, as if she hasn’t just completely shattered Lexi’s world, and Lexi nods dumbly.

“C’mon,” Rue grins, completely oblivious to how flustered – in more ways than one – Lexi is. “Cake’s gonna go cold. Bring the cocoa and we can continue, hmm?”

Lexi nods again, dumbstruck. She snaps to her senses – slightly – when Rue begins to move. “Wait – wait, Rue – wait up.”

Rue turns around, eyes sparkling.

“Did you –” Lexi blinks, eyes contorting as if she’s looking right at a bright light. “Did you just kiss me?”

“No,” Rue says matter-of-factly. “I cleaned you up.”

“Right,” Lexi twitches. “Okay. Cleaned me.”

“Do you _want_ me to kiss you, Lex?” Rue asks, and Lexi finds herself wondering how it’s fair that she’s had two of these goddamn now or never moments all in ten minutes, but she swallows heavily and flicks her eyes up to meet Rue’s.

“When you fall in love with me,” she says, and thank _god_ her voice comes out a little more normal than last time, because Rue grins.

“Better get back to it then, hmm?”

Lexi nods, a dumb smile still sitting on her cheeks. “Better.”

A few minutes later and they’re sitting back down against Lexi’s headboard, nursing hot chocolates with mug cakes sitting in their laps. Lexi’s a little bit sour that they’re not snuggled tight together but she’s also grateful because –

Holy shit.

She’s turned on.

Lexi finds that if she doesn’t concentrate on it, it dumbs down to a dull thud, but _fuck_ – as soon as Rue even so much as brushes her leg Lexi’s fully aware of just how much she wants to fucking _straddle her and kiss her until she can’t fucking feel –_

It’s normally around then when she stops her thought process because – this isn’t good. They’re _friends_. And as much as Lexi wants to… _relieve_ herself – she can’t.

Because she’s going to make Rue Bennett fall in love with her.

It occurs to her that she’s putting a little too much faith in this dumb question game – but after this, holy _crap_ does she never want to be just friends with Rue ever again.

“Okay, question eleven,” Rue says, knocking Lexi out of her reverie. “Take – wow, holy crap.”

“Take what?” Lexi asks breathily.

“Four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.”

“Deep,” Lexi giggles.

“I feel like you know mine. We should skip it.”

Lexi shakes her head. “That’s cheating. You won’t fall in love with me.”

Rue grumbles but she exits the questions and navigates to the stopwatch. “Okay, _fine_. You – okay wait, what if we do it for each other?”

But Lexi shakes her head again, because it’s kind of creepy how much she actually knows about Rue. It’s better to listen and pretend like she doesn’t know it at all.

Rue sighs. “Ready, then? For my inspirational life story?”

Lexi giggles. “Yes, ma’am.”

Rue grins. “And… _start._ Okay so… I’m born three days after nine eleven. Diagnosed with a million different brain problems at age six. Gia’s born when I’m seven. Baby me _loved_ Gia, but hated her cries at night because they never had any purpose. Have my first panic attack at seven – the first one they diagnosed as a panic attack, I’m sure there was more before that –”

“Rue, _stop_,” Lexi interrupts, and Rue looks up, blinking. “You’re telling me the doctor version. I wanna hear your side.”

“My side?”

“Yeah,” Lexi says, gaining confidence. “Tell me – tell me when you first fell in love. Tell me how you figured out you were into girls and tell me everything that went on _outside_ of the psych office. Tell me – what’s your best memory, your recurring dream. Tell me all the unknowns.”

“The unknowns,” Rue repeats softly, before looking up – an almost _shy_ look shining on her face. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Lexi nods. “Good. Your four minutes start now.”

Rue sighs shakily. “Kay. So – uh… I – fuck, Lex, this can’t end well.” She feels the stupid insecure anxiety scrabbling up her spine, stomach cramping uncomfortably as it becomes noticeably harder to suck air into her lungs. “Lexi –”

Lexi takes her hand easily. “It’s okay, Rue,” she whispers. “Just breathe.”

Rue nods, a sob catching in her throat. It’s not that she doesn’t _want_ to tell Lexi – it’s just that she _can’t_.

“You’re okay,” Lexi says again. “Let’s skip this, okay?”

Rue nods again, unable to speak. She edges slightly closer to Lexi, forcing herself to relax instead of tensing like her body wants to.

And Lexi’s known her forever and a day and she knows exactly what’s impending so she bites her lip, eyes meeting Rue’s flickering ones, thumb rubbing soothingly over the soft skin between Rue’s finger and thumb.

“’S okay,” she murmurs, hardly louder than a breath. “I got you.”

They stay like that, hands in each other’s, eyes locked until Rue’s pupils dilate slightly and her chest slackens, her head falling forward with a sigh and meeting Lexi’s shoulder. It’s silent for maybe ten minutes, just their breathing in the still air, a comforting blanket of silence settled over them until Rue takes a shuddering breath and starts to speak.

“I realised I liked girls in fifth grade,” she whispers, voice dulled by Lexi's skin. “I tried to convince myself it was a phase – just some other fucked up thing my brain had – had made up… but then –” She sucks in a sharp breath, speaking mumbled words into Lexi’s top.

“Speak up for me, Rue,” Lexi breathes.

“Freshman year,” Rue sighs. “You kissed me, remember?”

“You kissed _me_,” Lexi corrects, eyes squinting into a crinkled smile.

“Yeah, whatever. I wanted – I don’t know, I wanted to see if kissing girls made me feel any different to kissing guys… whether it was something I actually wanted or something stupid my mind had made up to somehow make me even more different from everyone else.”

“And so you kissed me.” Lexi’s heart sinks.

“I trust you,” Rue says simply. “You’ve always been the constant in my life – something that I can always rely on to be safe and familiar, you know?”

Lexi’s heart rises slightly again.

“And I thought maybe it was an unfair experiment,” Rue whispers. “Because maybe kissing you would feel normal because I’d known you for so long.”

“Did it?” Lexi asks squeakily, her breath bated.

“No,” Rue breathes. “No, Lex, it felt fucking amazing. I was so shocked – I didn’t even know it was fucking possible to feel like that… all happy and tingly and floaty – I’ll never forget it.”

Lexi’s fucking breath catches.

“And then –” Rue _blushes_. Actually goddamn blushes. “And then I kinda had a crush on you for like… a year. More, probably. For _ages_. Maybe it was because you were the first girl I’d ever kissed, maybe it was…”

Lexi blanks out, her heart pounding.

She wants to say something.

Anything.

Admit she likes – _loves_ – Rue.

Admit that kiss made her feel exactly as Rue describes it.

Admit that the only reason she pulled away was because it was scaring her, how _right_ it felt.

But she doesn’t say anything, because she’s scared and also because Rue’s stopped talking and is looking at her, looking a mix between hurt and confused.

“Sorry,” Lexi blinks. “What were you saying?”

“I was saying how I knew it would never amount to anything, how we’d always just be friends – it broke my _heart_, but I knew – I just… I just knew –”

And this is her goddamn chance.

Yet another moment that she’s gonna regret if she doesn’t anything.

And it’s that thought – the thought that she’ll beat her future self up over and over again if she doesn’t do anything now – that scares her the most. So she does what seems most sensible.

She scrambles up and locks herself in the bathroom.

Because that’s the coping mechanism she’s planning to use right now.

Running and hiding and never coming out because _fuck why did she think this was a good idea_? and because _shit she shouldn’t have done that, _and because that was _so fucking dumb, Lexi._

But what Lexi fails to remember is that Rue has anxiety.

Bad anxiety.

And as soon as Lexi leaves her heart clenches because Rue’s sure she’s creeped Lexi out in a weird way by admitting she liked her and she’s so sure that their friendship is gonna be ruined forever and –

She stands up, making her way towards the bathroom door, breaths struggling in and out of her lungs as her mind runs through a million different ways she’s just fucked up.

“L-Lex?” She calls, her voice cracking. “I’m s-sorry.”

And on the other side of the door, Lexi starts to cry. Because Rue has nothing to be sorry for.

It’s her fault. Her fault she’s a coward and probably a terrible friend. Her fault Rue’s freaking out right now. Her fault she can’t just come out and admit she likes her. Her fault this has gone from the best night of her life to one of the worst.

Rue’s shoulders shudder as she sinks down with her back against the door, mind blanking as the air in the dark room around her seems to diminish completely and little _Lexi Lexi Lexi Lexi_’s spilling from her mouth like a mantra.

Lexi’s working to keep her sobs in, so disappointed in herself that she wants to curl up in a ball and crawl down into a hole to die.

Because she could’ve prevented all of this.

Rue’s fingers scratch over the door for a second before she pulls herself up with a quiet whimper.

“Lex?” She calls, a little louder this time. “I think I’m gonna leave now. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not even sure if anyone is reading this HAHA. so please leave a comment if you're liking it i guess?? also pleaseeee send me euphoria prompts because i have two months to do absolutely nothing over summer :)) love you all x


	6. Chapter Six ~ let's fix all the broken pieces and put you back together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my babies!! if i ever go ia again can one of you please remind me to update because i genuinely forgot... anyways here's chapter six! it's a bit shorter but there may be a sneaky christmas update coming ;)

_I think I’m gonna leave now. I’m sorry._

The eight words that knock Lexi’s senses back into her, make her slip over in her haste to shove the door open until she’s stumbling after and this maybe should be in a tv show?

Lexi’s not sure she feels anything until she’s scrambled over to Rue and she’s holding her tight, Rue’s little whimpers reverberating through her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Lexi whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Rue shakes her head, burying her face in the soft material of Lexi’s pyjama shirt. It smells nice, like washing powder and a musky perfume, and Rue’s quite content to stay there forever.

“No, I am,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Lexi asks, her lips moving against the crown of Rue’s head.

“I fall in love so quickly,” Rue whispers, tears dripping down her face. “I can’t help it, it never ends well, I just get so… _giddy_, when someone cares. And you care, Lexi. You never stopped caring.”

And if only Rue knew how true that statement was.

“And I never will,” Lexi promises. “Rue, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Lexi’s arms tighten around Rue’s waist until the other girl calms down, chest rising more periodically. She breathes in deep, eyes falling closed.

Lexi holds her, holds her tight outside the bathroom door, both of them teetering on their shaky feet, and she begins to speak.

“When I was five, my dad took Cassie and I to see the circus,” she whispers. “Cassie was petrified, the clowns were scaring her and it was all too loud. She wouldn’t stop crying until these trapeze artists came out.”

She takes a shaky breath. “We both fell in love with them immediately. Cass loved the way they flew through the air, how they were so graceful and weightless. She started ice skating not long after that – originally she wanted to do aerial silks but we found out pretty quickly that she hated heights.

“I never had a hobby like her. I loved the trapeze because of the beautiful women sitting on them. They were so fearless and pretty and they looked so nice that I came home that night and declared I wanted to marry a trapeze girl.”

Rue giggles wetly, drawing a soft smile to Lexi’s lips. She guides them to the bed, pulling Rue into her lap as the latter buries her face in Lexi’s shoulder.

“Dad was horrified. He never took us back – it broke Cassie’s heart, she wanted to see them again – but he was so concerned that he’d pushed these feelings on me that he never took us out again. When I got older, I had this huge crush on Maddy.” She chuckles. “Gross, right? But I thought she was so cool. And I’d come home and gush about her til Cassie said one day – ‘Hey Lex. That’s weird.’

“Seems dumb,” Lexi sighs, a nervous laugh forming on her lips. “But I’ve never really been as close to her. She was Maddy’s best friend, I was so jealous… we grew apart, after that, and I got closer to you because I wasn’t hanging out with Cass and Maddy and Kat anymore…”

_And then… _

Rue’s breathing’s evening out, to the point Lexi’s wondering if she’s going to fall asleep. “I loved – _love_ – hanging out with you,” she admits. “I used to feel so honoured that you’d let me hang out with you, you were so cool…”

Rue giggles. “’M not cool, Lex.”

“Yeah, you _are_,” Lexi says, so determinedly that Rue looks up in shock, eyes widening.

“Lexi…”

“No.” Lexi says quickly, blushing profusely.

“No what?”

“N-Nothing,” Lexi whispers. “No.”

Rue grins. She’s pretty sure that she’s just kind of gotten an expression of love out of Lexi.

She’s gonna ignore the fact that her dumb brain is yelling _Why?_

“These questions working, Lex?”

Lexi covers up her complete and utter embarrassment with a nervous chuckle, a fit of confidence running through her as she whispers. “Wouldn’t you like to know, Bennett.”

Rue giggles again, scooting over to interlace her legs with Lexi’s. “You _love_ me.”

“I do _not_,” Lexi says immediately. “Wait – yes, I do – I – Rue, this isn’t _fair_!”

Rue’s got the cheekiest grin on her face, and Lexi sighs heavily. “Give me the phone, Rue.” She makes a lunge for it, laughing maybe a little to loud when Rue rolls out of reach. “Give it!”

Rue giggles. “No!” She rolls away again and holds the phone just out of Lexi’s reach, who splurges forward and ends up a giggling mess on top of Rue.

And while Lexi’s reaching for her phone Rue’s breath drops completely out of her body. Because there’s a whole ass woman on top of her.

And Rue’s suddenly aware of every single part of Lexi’s body pressed up against hers.

The curve of her breasts.

The way her waist is pressed tightly against Rue’s.

The way Rue’s lower stomach is suddenly sparkling.

And crap. This isn’t good.

Because yeah, she’s a hormonal teenager. And maybe the whole ‘being clean’ gig has made her feel things a little too much.

But Lexi always has and always will be off limits.

And right now, Rue’s turned on.

And she wants to kiss Lexi.

And Lexi’s realised something’s wrong and her face is bright red but she hasn’t moved and Rue finds is strangely endearing, how nervous and stuttery Lexi gets whenever this happens.

“Hi,” she whispers, their lips millimetres from each other.

“Hi,” Lexi squeaks, her heart beating a million times a minute. A curl falls over her face and Rue’s hand reaches up and tucks it carefully back behind her ear, the soft brush of her hand against Lexi’s cheek causing tingles to erupt all through Lexi’s body.

_Shit_, she thinks.

“Lex,” Rue croaks, and Lexi’s eyes flick up to meet hers, her tongue flicking out to wet her lips. “This isn’t good. We can’t do this.”

Lexi’s heart shatters, breath catching in her throat. _You’re wrong, we can, it _is _good…_

“You can’t fall in love with me,” Rue whispers, eyes filling with stupid tears that she struggles to blink away.

“Why not?” Lexi whispers back, hand coming up to trace a random pattern across Rue’s face. Rue’s eyes flutter shut, her head pounding with the sudden attack on her feelings. She moves her face away but Lexi guides it softly back, her leg shifting suddenly so that it’s hooked over Rue’s waist.

Rue has to make a conscious effort not to let her hips buck.

But she so, _so_ wants to.

“Don’t you fucking get it?” Lexi breathes, the air from her mouth fluttering against Rue’s lips. “I want this… I want _you_.” She’s shaking so badly Rue can feel it vibrate through her body and she wraps an arm subconsciously around Lexi’s waist in an attempt to calm her.

“You shouldn’t,” Rue’s voice breaks halfway through her sentence and her eyes drop closed again, neck tilting up to rest her forehead against Lexi’s. “We – we can’t, Lex…”

“Give me one good reason why not,” Lexi pleads, and she hates how she sounds as though she’s begging but her heart is thumping and she just wants to lean down and take Rue’s lips in her own.

Her eyes trace over Rue’s face, the anxious look in her eyes, her chapped, bitten – _soft_ – lips, the way she’s gnawing on them now, how she keeps sucking the skin of her cheeks through her teeth and chewing anxiously. How her leg is shaking beneath Lexi’s and –

No matter how much Lexi wants this –

It can’t happen.

She rolls off her and Rue feels simultaneous relief and disappointment, her heart rate slowing steadily. “I’m s-sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Lexi says quickly. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I w-wanted to, too,” Rue whispers, tears falling down her face. “But L-Lex… I c-can’t do that to you… the res-responsibility – you can’t be l-loved by me, I’ll drag – drag you down.”

And Lexi wants to assure her that she won’t ever be dragged down and that if she ever was she’d go down gratefully, but she doesn’t, she takes Rue’s hand and she murmurs how everything’s gonna be okay and she only lets herself cry once Rue’s snoring gently against her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come visit me @gracefuldaya on twitter, leave a comment and let me know what you thought :) also im on holidays so please leave prompts!! but also i just got my nails done (ew, what a bad lesbian i am) and i am struGGLING TO TYPE...  
byeeeee i love youuuu allllll


	7. Chapter Seven ~ what if you break and i can't fix it//we'll do it together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sneaky lil early update because merry christmasssss (if you celebrate it). because im aussie it's actually boxing day now so im off to shopppp for the day but i thought id give you an update first. enjoy!

Rue wakes up only seconds after Lexi leaves to clean herself up because she hasn’t stopped crying for the last half an hour. She scrambles up, chest gripped with unwelcome anxiety, and automatically starts to whimper, no thoughts making sense in her sleepy, panic riddled brain.

Had Lexi left because of what she’d done? Had she really just managed to push away her one remaining friend? Was that – was that the end? Over for them even though it had just only really started?

She bites her lip so hard she draws blood before letting out a low, panicked whine. “L-Lex,” she calls, but it hardly sounds because there’s no air in her lungs and her voice isn’t working. This only scares her more, lean body curling into a tight ball as she looks around furtively, an anxious scowl on her face.

Surely Lexi wouldn’t just leave. She was much too nice for that, so… what if something had happened? What if Rue was asleep and someone broke in and they’d murdered Lexi and she hadn’t woken up and everything was gonna be –

She struggles for more air, breaths echoing loudly in the empty room. “Le-Lex!” She mewls again, tears pooling in her eyes as every single breath of air falls still, her head twitching this way and that as she searches for a breath of oxygen and fails to find it.

She soon finds herself in her own world, a state of panic between real life and the world of nightmares, fingers clawing at her wrists to try and bring some sense of grounding to herself.

It doesn’t work. It only makes it hurt more.

Her chest hurts. Her head, too. And her eyes and her mouth, which is wide open, screaming soundlessly.

If her voice worked, everything would be easier.

Her breathing doubles in pace, eyes squeezing shut as her chest collapses in on itself, over and over.

“L-Lexiiiii….” It’s a whine and she knows it, a fact that makes her feel worse.

She can never keep to herself. She always has to taint her friends with her problems and that’s exactly what’s happening now and she needs to snap out of it and get the fuck away from Lexi before she makes things even worse.

Like she always does.

And suddenly a sound bursts from her lips and it’s a loud sob, a sob that makes way for another and another until she’s crying steadily into Lexi’s pillow, a pillow that smells like her and makes Rue cry harder. She’s got her face pressed into the soft material and her arms clutch it tight as she cries long, open-mouthed sobs into it, breathing verging on hyperventilation.

She’s vaguely aware of the introduction of fast footsteps and then a weight on her back, a weight she flinches at and shies away from immediately, a weight that surely means danger.

“Look at me, Rue.” The voice is soft and caring and she feels herself shudder when the next weight comes, slightly lighter this time but there nevertheless.

“D-Don’t tou-touch,” she whispers. “Pl-Please…”

The weight moves off again. “Not touching,” says the voice. “Can you look at me, Rue?”

“N-No,” she whimpers again, back heaving. “F-Feel sick…”

And she does. She immediately feels like she’s about to vomit and she has to pull herself up quickly and stumble to the bathroom before she’s gagging and everything she ate with Lexi less than an hour ago comes pouring out of her and splatters into the toilet bowl with a gross sort of splash.

Someone's behind her automatically and Rue gulps down the water that’s handed to her maybe too quickly, as it soon makes a reappearance – as does everything she’s eaten in the last day or two, until there’s stomach acid dripping down her chin and she feels as though she’s just ran a marathon and her stomach _hurts_ and she’s still stuck in this horrifying state of panic.

“I need you to look at me,” the voice says, but Rue’s now realised it’s Lexi’s voice and she doesn’t want to because she feels so terrible inside and out.

“It’s okay,” Lexi whispers, and Rue shakes her head because it’s clearly _not_.

“It is,” she repeats. “Rue, it’s okay… take a deep breath for me.”

“_No_!” Rue chokes out, burying her face in her knees as she turns from the toilet. “N-No…”

Lexi squats down beside her, face too close and her oh-so-_Lexi_ smell suffocating Rue’s senses. “Can I touch you, Rue?” Her voice is gentle, soothing, and Rue finds herself wanting to say yes.

She nods silently, but as soon as Lexi’s fingers ghost her arm she tenses again, back curling as she fights the urge to cry out.

“It’s just me,” Lexi points out. “Okay? I’m not going to hurt you… I just need you to come back over to bed, okay?”

Rue nods numbly, and she lets Lexi help her up but pulls away as soon as they hit the bed, feeling guilty for doing so but her heart thumping at the mere thought of any touch.

“Listen to me,” Lexi’s saying, but Rue’s mind’s running off again and Lexi realises it’s dumb to talk right now so instead she lays opposite Rue, facing her, eyes locked on hers. Rue’s dark orbs are still dilated, panicked and teary, and Lexi wants more than anything to fold her into her arms and promise her she’ll never let anything bad happen.

But they’ve been here before. And touching Rue when she doesn’t want it won’t end well.

Doesn’t stop Lexi from wanting to.

She asks again, a couple minutes later, because it’s breaking her heart not being able to help. She can’t talk, not properly, because Rue’s much too panicked to listen and she can’t hold her because… yeah. “Can I… can I touch you now?”

Rue finds herself scrambling suddenly into a surprised Lexi’s arms, but they tighten around her shaking body automatically nevertheless. She’s desperate for closeness, whining lowly as she works to press herself closer to Lexi.

“I got you,” Lexi murmurs, feeling relieved as she wraps her arms comfortingly around Rue’s figure. Rue’s head butts gently into Lexi’s chest, soft whimpers falling from her lips as she works to control her breathing.

“Thought you l-left,” she whispers, lips vibrating against Lexi’s shoulder in a way the latter girl doesn’t want to admit feels nice.

“I would never,” Lexi responds truthfully, and Rue looks up, a new, unlabelled feeling stirring in her chest, replacing the crippling anxiety somewhat and spreading throughout her lungs like the squeeze your heart does when you see something you love.

“I really d-do wanna let you love me,” Rue whispers, and Lexi sighs heavily. Only now does Rue notice the salty, dried tear tracks resting on Lexi's swollen cheeks. She reaches a saddened finger out to stroke Lexi;s cheekbone, resting her hand there. 

“Then why _don’t_ you?” Lexi asks, allowing herself to be selfish for a minute because _fuck_, she wants this.

“Because,” Rue swallows heavily, face forming a sad frown that breaks Lexi’s heart. She’s trying to make her words work, to put the jumble in her head into some sort of order before she speaks so she can do this as gently as possible.

“I’m the hardest fucking person to love,” she says finally, tone so honest and genuine it makes Lexi sigh again. “I’m messed up, Lex –”

“I don’t care.”

“I know… I know, let me finish, okay?” Rue gives her a grateful smile, nodding her nose against the soft skin under Lexi’s chin. The other girl shudders visibly, unwelcome goosebumps scattering across her skin. Rue traces them lightly with her fingers. “I’m… messed up doesn’t even begin to cover it, Lex… you _know_ that, better than anyone.”

“You’re not –”

“I _am_, Lexi,” Rue says, but there’s no sadness, no pity in her voice. She’s done this to herself, and while maybe she feels bad about how it’s affected the other people in her life, she can’t quite bring herself to feel bad about doing it to herself just yet. “But… I’m okay with that. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I really hate it…” she shivers, ducking her head into Lexi’s neck again with a gentle sigh. “But Lex? I’m not concerned about me hatin’ it… ‘M concerned about _you_. I don’ wanna hurt you, Lexi.”

“You could never,” Lexi says, but Rue must know she’s lying because Lexi’s been hurting ever since the day she’d fallen in love.

“’T will,” Rue says, her voice gaining a childish lilt. “You’re so – you’re so fucking _nice_, Lexi… you’re the least deserving person to get hurt.”

Lexi curls in on herself the best she can whilst still keeping a tight hold on Rue. She’s never been good at taking compliments.

“You’re so nice to me, even,” Rue murmurs. “I don’ get it, but ‘m not complaining…I feel kin-a guilty, though… like I needa do somethin’ to fix it… make it equal.”

“No, baby,” Lexi whispers, and the nickname that slips past her lips makes both girls blush and Lexi bury her face in her hands.

Rue, bless her soul, totally ignores it because it’s making her heart thump and her breath catch and whenever she’s uncomfortable she just siphons it off and changes the subject. “Yes,” she whispers. “I gotta make it even.”

Lexi sighs, because ever since she was a kid Rue’s had this thing about symmetry – she needs everything to be equal or else it truly stresses her out. It’s funny, Lexi thinks, because Rue hates even numbers, but she loves symmetry – a pair that don’t go well together and often ended in endless panic and anxiety if nothing was the way she wanted.

“Okay,” Lexi agrees solemnly, trying to think of a way she can make it better for Rue and distract her also. “Okay, Rue, can you do me a favour?”

Rue nods immediately, stuck in this childish state that tends to happen every time she panics – almost like when she has a panic attack the only way for her brain to fix itself is to go back to the very basic steps.

“An’thing.”

Lexi smiles, her cheeks burning bright red as she mumbles the next question. “Can we finish the game?”

“We can’t fall in love, Lessi,” Rue slurs. “’S not good.”

“Please?”

Rue sighs heavily, hit with a hard realisation that this probably won’t end well. “O-Okay.”

Lexi giggles, a warm feeling stirring in her stomach. “Thank you.”

~~~

Lexi shifts over so that they’re sitting more up, but Rue whines immediately and Lexi has to hold still until her – dare she say _fragile_ – friend is comfortable enough that her breathing steadies. Rue looks up, almost ashamed tears shining in her eyes.

“L-Lex?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you – could you m-maybe… maybe not mo-move?” Rue chews anxiously on her lip, teeth breaking the soft skin there and drawing a drop of blood to her tongue. She swabs at it, feels the metallic taste slide down her throat with a careful shudder.

“Of course,” Lexi whispers, pressing her lips in a soft, domestic kiss against Rue’s head. Rue melts into the touch, reminding her of her mother’s caring embrace as she lets a long breath out.

“You ready?” Lexi asks gently, and Rue nods, passing the phone upwards. Lexi fumbles with it and then finally gets it open, getting back to the screen with the questions. They come up one by one, and as she’s had the phone closed for ages she has to click through a million times to get to the one they were up to.

“Where’d we get to?” She asks quietly, and Rue shrugs. “Eleven, maybe?”

“Eleven is take four minutes,” Lexi responds, clicks again until she gets to twelve. “Okay. We haven’t done this one – If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?”

Rue ponders this for a minute, her forehead curling into a frown, causing tiny wrinkles to form. Lexi grins, and, before she can help herself, presses her lips to the wrinkles.

Rue smiles, ducking her head with a blush. “I got it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” she nods. “I wanna wake up and never be able to hurt anyone ever again.”

Lexi’s face crumples. “That’s…”_Pure. Deep. Caring._ “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Rue shrugs. Believe it or not, she hates hurting people, hates how decisions she makes can affect other people. “What’s yours?”

Lexi sucks her lips in, eyes cast downwards. “I don’t know.”

“Well, think,” Rue giggles. Lexi laughs back.

“Okay, okay… uh…” She thinks for a minute, looks down at Rue’s face, her beautiful face filled with so many emotions, and in that moment she wishes –

“I wish I had the ability to take pain from people.”

Rue’s chest sparks, her eyes flicking up to meet Lexi’s, because she’s not stupid. She knows what Lex is talking about.

And at this moment, she really wants to kiss her.

Rue used to think that the only way to show love was by physical affection. And as a child, she’d hated it. Hated hugs, hated the way her mom and dad kissed her only once before bed, hated the way she’d have to see ancient aunts at Christmastime and kiss their wrinkly skin and have them hold her in a talcum powder infused embrace.

Then Gia was born.

And Rue learnt that sometimes you can feel love without having to kiss or cuddle or touch someone. Sometimes love is a fierce need to protect someone, to always show your gratitude.

Somehow, she learnt to crave affection. Not just physical – though she loves that, now – but mental also. She loves how her mom and Gia and – and _Lexi_ – how they all care.

It makes her happy.

And kind of guilty.

Jules never had the mental side. She – she did, kind of, but not the deep admiration and desire Rue felt towards her.

That she’s beginning to feel towards Lexi.

This is different, though. With Jules, she fell in love way too quickly and all at once. And maybe it’s the questions, maybe it’s because she’s wary and it’s late at night and it’s _Lexi_, but –

Rue wants to be one hundred percent sure of what she’s doing, this time.

Because she’s not high. She can’t make impulsive decisions and blame it on the drugs.

And she doesn’t want to hurt Lexi’s feelings.

It’s a new feeling and it kind of scares her.

Kind of, meaning – really scares her.

She’ll realise later that she’s distancing herself because of this irrational – or maybe rational – fear. That she’s so broken inside that she can’t trust any more.

But she doesn’t realise that now. And she agrees to do the rest of the questions because she wants to make Lexi happy.

And that – that feeling of needing to impress someone – that’s the bit that scares her the most.

Because when it gets to the point when you’re doing things you’re uncomfortable with simply for the happiness of the other person, that means you’ve got it bad.

Really, really bad.

Lexi’s grinning at her now, leg jittering up and down next to Rue’s, eyes dancing excitedly in the dark. Rue looks back at her, finds her grin contagious and ends up smiling herself, decides to push down the feelings of slight worry and a little anxiety and makes the virtual camera in her head focus in on Lexi and blur out the background.

Lexi, who’s eyes are trained on hers as she smiles. Lexi, who looks so goddamn _hopeful_. Lexi, who’s generally a calm person, who now looks the most excited Rue’s seen her in years.

Lexi’s happy because she’s got a chance. And a chance is what she needs right now.

She curls one leg around Rue’s, tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, and reads out in this circus-ringmaster-type voice “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”

There’s a slight pause, and then -

“I think I’d wanna know if everyone I loved was gonna be okay,” Lexi murmurs thoughtfully. “Like… I spend so much time worrying about you, and my mom, and Cassie… if I knew they’d all be alright, maybe I wouldn’t be such an anxious wreck.”

“You’re not an anxious wreck,” Rue says sloppily, caught up on the fact that Lexi kinda just said she loved her. They’ve said it before, of course, but now… it seems different. “You’re good.”

“Mmm, that’s what you see,” Lexi giggles. “You should see me some nights when I’m alone. Anxious. Fucking. Wreck.”

Rue scrunches her face up. “You gotta call me,” she frowns. “I do it all the time to you. Lexi – next time you feel like that, you call me, okay?”

“How’s that gonna help?” Lexi asks teasingly.

“Imma come cuddle you til you feel better,” Rue says seriously, and Lexi’s heart starts beating at a stupidly fast rate.

“O-Okay,” she whispers. “I’ll do that.”

“Good,” Rue nods decisively. “I’d wanna… I’d wanna know how to be the best version of myself… because I’m clearly not there yet.”

Lexi giggles. “I like this you.”

“Drug me?”

“Noooo, silly,” Lexi grins, and Rue buds her head on impulse into Lexi’s forehead. It’s such a soft, intimate gesture that Lexi’s face lights up in a fierce blush and Rue giggles again. “Clean you,” Lexi murmurs softly. “You’re nicer. And funnier.” _And beautifuller – not that that’s a word. They should make it a word. Just to describe you_.

“Mm… I haven’t decide whether I like clean me or drug me better,” Rue says thoughtfully. “It’s harder being clean me.”

Lexi nods, and then, like a child taking a candy when they’re not supposed to, she leans forward and quickly kisses Rue’s head.

Rue’s face breaks out into a raging blush, eyes flicking up to meet Lexi’s as she takes a sharp breath through her nose. Her head tingles, and her lips find themselves between her teeth.

“I’m really fucking proud of you, you know?” Lexi whispers, and she’s also blushing, sucking lightly on her lips. “You know that, right, Rue?”

Rue shudders. “Y-Yeah. Yeah, Lex, I know…”

The word ‘proud’ has always done something to Rue. She’s never really be proud of herself, but when other people are proud of her she feels this warm feeling spread across her body and she _loves_ it.

“Lexi?” She says, and she wants to lean across and find a way to express the mass gratitude and affection that she’s feeling but it’s Lexi and Lexi’s making her really flustered right now and she can’t think of a way to do that that doesn’t include –

She wants to kiss her. She really, _really_, wants to kiss her.

But she can’t. She knows she can’t.

So she changes the topic really quickly.

“Okay, question 14.”

Lexi’s hopeful smile falls off her face, and she nods as if she’s in a business meeting – all strict and no fun and full of such sorrow that Rue wishes she _had’ve _kissed her because maybe then Lexi wouldn’t look so goddamn sad.

Rue feels this heavy guilt settle over her, and she looks up at Lexi, a youthful, worried look sitting on her face. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Lexi asks, and it’s so genuine that Rue feels slightly better before she sinks into her sadness again.

“I’m not sure,” she says honestly, and Lexi gives her a small smile and folds her into a hug again.

“You’re okay,” she whispers, but she’s almost trying to convince herself. “We’re okay, Rue. We’re okay.”

“You promise?” Rue asks, and she’s feeling suddenly stupidly insecure, and she looks up at Lexi again, nibbling on her lip.

“I promise,” Lexi nods, and she really, really wants to do something that she probably really, really shouldn’t, so she pushes forward and distracts herself with the questions again. “Come on, you. Question 14?”

Rue nods, but makes no move to move, nestling closer into Lexi’s body, sparking a slight increase in both heartrates. “You read it,” she murmurs stubbornly, and Lexi gives a breathy chuckle, not wanting to move lest she upset the peaceful silence resting over them like a thick, comfortable blanket.

“Lex?” Rue slurs quietly, her lips brushing gently against Lexi’s neck as the other girl turns her head to look down.

“Mm?” Lexi whispers, and Rue sinks down so that she doesn’t do something she’ll regret.

“Love you,” she says, eyes fluttering closed, the words slipping from her mouth as naturally as waking up each morning. Lexi’s chest clenches and she looks away slightly, but Rue’s hand reaches up and tugs on her neck so they’re facing each other again.

Lexi wants to tell her to stop saying things like that, stop making her want to kiss her and touch her and hold her until she falls apart over and over again. But she doesn’t, because that wouldn’t be good, and she refuses to break this – what_ever_ this is that they’re got right now.

“Love you too,” she whispers instead, and Rue smiles. “O-kay,” Lexi’s voice cracks. “Question fourteen.”

But when Lexi looks down, she’s hit with a numb realisation that no matter where they go from here, this question won’t end well.

She’s never been good at lying.

“Lex?” Rue asks, and moves slightly to tug the phone from Lexi’s hand, leaving her knee resting slightly between Lexi’s legs and the soft pressure causing Lexi’s breath to catch.

“R-Rue,” she squeaks, eyes trained on the knee that’s pressing up against the apex of her thighs. “Rue – _Rue_.”

Rue doesn’t seem to realise the sheer amount of distress she’s causing Lexi, who’s lower stomach is on fire, pelvis burning so much that she has to consciously stop herself from lightly bucking her hips.

It’s a new feeling and Lexi’s not sure she likes it.

Rue looks up and it dawns on Lexi that’s she’s been talking and she forces her brain from the overwhelming ache in her stomach, distracts herself from the tingling erupting all over her body, and says shakily. “Sorry, what?”

Rue giggles, unsure of why Lexi’s so flustered but teasingly enjoying it anyway.

“The question. Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you –”

Maybe Lexi does it because she’s really fucking turned on. Maybe she does it because of the question, maybe she does it because Rue looks so fucking cute with her little half smile and her curls framing her long face.

Maybe she does it because she’s sick of being selfish.

Maybe Rue should have been expecting it.

But Rue – and maybe even Lexi – they’re hit with a burst of shock as soft lips hit chapped ones, and Lexi pulls away almost as quickly as she’d leant in.

Rue wants to say a million things but instead, she looks up and cups Lexi’s cheek with her hand, leaning back in to take Lexi’s mouth in her own, nudging it open and kissing her as though she’s never kissed anyone else.

And when Lexi pulls away with a quiet pant and throbbing thighs, Rue doesn’t even know how she’s functioning. Because every kiss she’s ever had hasn’t felt like those few seconds of Lexi’s lips on hers.

No drugs compare to how that felt.

And fuck.

Maybe she is falling in love with Lexi.

“Lex?” She says quietly, and Lexi’s face meets hers, her eyes shining brightly in a way that makes Rue’s heart shudder.

“You’re getting better.”

“I’m sorry?”

“At – at kissing,” Rue splutters, and regrets it immediately but keeps chugging ahead like a train on a set track missing it’s brakes. “You’ve – you’ve gotten better since – since last time, when I kissed you l-last time.”

Lexi bites her lip, and they fall into an awkward silence that both girls use to feed their quickly manifesting anxiety.

Let it be known that Rue’s never been what most kids at her school call _smooth_.

She’s never been on the ball, using dumb pick up lines and sliding into conversations. She’s always been this awkward mess and at the point it’s as much of a personality trait as the way she bounces her foot when she’s anxious.

And she’s feeling both anxious and awkward right now so she does what comes to her as almost second nature.

She picks up her phone and reads, probably too loudly, the next question.

And though it fills her with embarrassment and lights her cheeks on fire with a burning blush, Lexi’s grateful. She’s grateful that they’re not talking about what just happened. She’s not even 100% sure it even just happened any more, it feels like dream.

When she reads it out, her voice is shaking to the point Lexi carefully puts her hands over hers. Neither of them want to open Pandora’s box and talk about whatever the hell just happened, but the simple gesture is enough – enough to let them know that they’re okay, that nothing’s changed.

Lexi’s not sure if she’s happy or sad about that.

Neither is Rue.

“What – What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” Lexi asks shakily, because Rue’s not talking, and Rue scrunches her face up in a way so naïve that Lexi giggles and restores a little of their easy friendship as she does so.

She has a feeling it might be like this for a while. Putting the wobbling pieces of the line between friendship and something more back in their rightful place and making sure it’s stable enough to get them through.

“I don’t have any accomplishments,” Rue mumbles stubbornly. “I don’ know.”

“Lies,” Lexi grins, tickling her although the simple action makes her nervous for reasons she can’t explain. “You have achievements.”

“Oh yeah?” Rue asks, shifting for the first time since they – _kissed_.

It sets off another bout of sparking in Lexi’s lower abdomen and she clenches her thighs together with a quick breath in.

“Like what?”

Lexi shakes her head almost comically, gulping out of her sexual reverie. “What?”

“What are my achievements?”

Lexi’s cheeks light up in a violent blush, her teeth gnawing on her lower lip. “One time you got a gold star in preschool on an assignment we didn’t do until the night before?”

“Yes,” Rue says seriously.. “Yes, that’s _definitely_ my greatest achievement.”

“You come up with one, then!” Lexi grins. “Sorry for _trying_.” 

Rue giggles. “Come to think of it… it may actually be.”

“I helped,” Lexi points out, tapping her fingers over Rue’s leg. “So it’s my best achievement too.”

Rue loses it, her face cracking into a giant smile and little splutters falling from her lips.

“Uncontrolled variable,” she giggles out. “We’re not taking this seriously anymore.”

“Rue.”

Rue stops laughing, looks up at Lexi with shining eyes and a bright smile. “Yes, ma’am?”

“This is our game, right?”

“Yes, Lexi.”

“Then we get to make the rules, right?”

“Yes, Lexi.”

“I’m making a rule.”

“Okay?”

“We get one silly question.”

“Okay.”

Their faces are inches from each other now, eyes mirroring the other’s smiles. “Okay?”

“Okay, Lex.”

“Okay, Rue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hiiiii @gracefuldaya on twitter. and thank you for all your gorgeous comments :) please keep leaving them. shout out to the bb who came and dm'd me on twitter last chapter... i love you, you made my day :))


	8. Chapter Eight ~ heaven's a heartbreak away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! here's to hoping 2020 is the year of the gays and brings us all happiness... 
> 
> this is one of my favourite chapters :)) n i cried sm writing it so good luck :) 
> 
> all my loveeee,   
char

“What do you value most in a friendship?” Rue asks, and then giggles. “Wait. This is easy.”

“Is it?” Lexi asks, grinning back down at her as she shifts into a more comfortable position and attempts to slightly relieve the heavy pressure in between her thighs. “What is it?”

“This,” Rue sighs happily, stretching out and resting her curly head in Lexi’s lap – _not_ a good idea. Her hair’s fallen out of it’s braid, the elastic lost somewhere in the dark, and her curls tumble messily around her shoulder, accentuating her sharp jawbone and her bright eyes. “This _closeness_. And loyalty. And –”

“One answer, Rue.”

Rue pouts up at her adorably, reaching a slightly shaking hand up to trace the letters of Lexi’s _Lexi_ necklace. It tickles slightly and Rue finds herself thinking about how it would be overly cringy – yet kind of cute – if they have matching ones.

Lexi and Rue.

Rue and Lexi.

“I value you,” she says without a second thought. “You’re always there for me, Lex. You know that? No matter how many times I come running… you’re always here.”

“I always will be.”

“Let me finish,” Rue says seriously. “Honestly, Lexi. I can’t thank you enough, everyone else left and you’re always here and I know I’m a terrible friend back and I’m kind of a jerk but I’m so grateful for you and I’ll never be able to –”

“Shh,” Lexi whispers, pressing a soft finger to Rue’s lips. Rue shuts up immediately, overcome with a strong desire to _take Lexi’s fucking finger into her mouth and suck it –_

No.

She makes a sound against it but Lexi shushes her again, leans down and presses her lips to Rue’s head and tucks a loose wisp of hair behind her ear. “I know,” she whispers. “You always try to explain but I _know_.”

Rue’s eyes fill with such love and adoration that Lexi has to shift back upwards, but her hands stay stroking through her best friend’s soft curls.

“Come on, Lex,” Rue murmurs, once said distracting finger has been removed. “Your turn.”

“In our friendship?” Lexi asks softly, her fingers dancing through Rue’s hair and sending shivers down the other girl’s spine. “Or any.”

“Ours,” Rue says decisively. “Or… or any. Your choice.”

“You’re hopeless,” Lexi giggles. “Okay. In ours… I value these nights the most.”

Maybe it’s the questions. Maybe it’s the late (or early) hour that they’re awake at, maybe it’s the fact that boundaries tend not to exist early in the morning. But Lexi’s almost one hundred percent sure she’s never opened up this much in her life. Not to Rue, not to anyone.

“I love these nights. Where you’re clean and I’m happy and we’re… _us_.” _Shit, Lex, that sounded weird, quick, fix it. “_You know… how we used to be, how it works, when it’s perfect and I can –”

“Lexi,” Rue whispers from below her. “Look at me.”

She does so.

“Shh.”

“Not talking.”

“I get it,” Rue says, a soft smile lighting up her lips. “I get it. I love these nights too.”

Lexi’s cheeks burn, her eyes averting to the ground where there’s a crushed chewing gum wrapper and a ratty toy rabbit that she’s had ever since her dad left. She’s doing her best to look anywhere _but_ Rue, but suddenly Rue’s got her hand on her cheek and she’s turning Lexi’s face to look at her and they’re face to face again and she’s wondering how to get out of this position before she loses it.

“It’s really perfect, just you and me,” Rue murmurs, watching Lexi’s throat bob as she swallows thickly. “We should do this more often.”

“We should,” Lexi squeaks, eyes cast downward again as Rue’s nails scratch lightly at the base of her ear. “Rue –”

“Yeah?”

Lexi looks up, and _god_, she wants to kiss her – wants to kiss her and lay her down and worship her until she can’t feel anymore – but she can’t. So she smiles, tries to hide her sadness, and strokes the pad of her thumb over Rue’s cheek. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“You’re mine, too,” Rue says back, eyes fluttering closed at the touch. “And I’m sorry for being a dick all those –”

“Shh,” Lexi coos. “I know. It’s okay.”

Rue shuffles slightly until she’s resting against Lexi’s chest, her breathing even and calm, before reaching out her hand to pick up her phone again.

Lexi’s always loved Rue’s phone case. It’s all black – at least, it started that way. Over the years, Rue had become obsessed with stickers, and now the case is covered in stickers from all over. Lexi can still see the gold star they’d gained on the project in preschool, one of its now-dull prongs peeping out from under an osmosis sticker Rue’d found when they holidayed in Australia in year one.

One year, Lexi bought Rue a sticker pad for her birthday. Rue had been devastated, because, as Lexi learnt after a tantrum and a sobbing session about the fact Rue didn’t like her present, Rue liked to earn the stickers. As a reward.

She still gave them to her now, whenever she did something hard. She can see a relatively new one stuck on the left corner of Rue’s phone case from last week when her friend had done the monologue task in theatre that she’d been so nervous about.

Whenever Lexi gives Rue a sticker, the other girl’s face lights up in a way Lexi’s never seen – like it’s Christmas morning and she’s just been surprised with a new puppy, or she’s been away for years and she sees a family member at the arrivals gate at the airport. It’s a joy Lexi thought Rue would grow out of but is glad she hasn’t – a reminder that sometimes it only takes something small to make someone feel a bit better.

Rue’s biting her lip as she scrolls back to the questions and taps the button for the next one. “This is hard.”

“Want me to read it?” Lexi asks. “Or we can skip it, if you want.”

“Noooo,” Rue whines, leaning out of Lexi’s reach so that she’s draped across Lexi’s legs, head hanging over the side and her elbow pushing into _just_ the right spot between Lexi’s legs.

Rue doesn’t notice the slight gasp she draws out of Lexi, doesn’t notice the way Lexi’s breathing seems to halt every now and then as she reads out “What is your most treasured memory?”

Lexi’s trying so, so hard not to either buck her hips or let out a quiet moan, so she pulls away from her friend with an apologetic smile and backs up towards the door. “Bathroom.”

Rue nods happily, watching with doe eyes as Lexi shuts the ensuite door behind her and sinks against it, the apex of her thighs burning.

Let it be known that Lexi is a teenage girl, but she’s not usually this horny.

This is reserved for Rue.

Rue, who is _not_ helping the situation right now.

Lexi lets out a choked breath as her fingers slip below her waistline and into her underwear and pants softly as her fingers find the place she so desperately needs them. Her mouth falls into an O, head curling backwards as she rubs quick circles against herself and tries not to let out the low moans threatening to escape her lips.

She’s almost there, really, fingers working hard and tongue flicking out to wet her lips as she bucks her hips just _one. more. time-_

“Lex?” Rue calls from behind the door, and Lexi starts, fingers jerking out from between her thighs and scooting backwards until she hits the cupboard with a bang.

“Jesus,” Rue notes, walking in and dropping to the floor like it’s second nature that Lexi’s just sitting here, on the cold bathroom tiles, like she does it every day of her life. “What were you doing? Tryna get yourself off?” She laughs at her own joke, misses the way Lexi’s eyes widen in fear before she turns away.

“No, dumbass.” Her voice is shaking. _Fuck_, she was close. “Looking for the cream for my elbows.”

“Elbows?”

“Y-Yes,” Lexi yelps. “They-re – they’re dry.”

“Ah,” Rue nods, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “Did you find it?”

“No,” Lexi says back, and Rue nods.

“Well,” she says, and if it wasn’t so embarrassing it would be funny, how awkward they both are. “I bought the questions.”

“Oh. Yes. Okay.”

“You wanna keep going?”

“In here?”

“Yes, Lex.”

“Wait, really?”

“No, you idiot,” Rue giggles. “Come back out the bedroom, I miss you, it’s cold.”

“Oh. Okay,” Lexi laughs, mortified. “I guess so.”

“Oh, come on, you’re fine,” Rue assures her. “But seriously. We’re about halfway through and you aren’t in love enough with me yet. So let’s go.”

Lexi almost snorts. “Am I really?”

“Nope,” Rue says matter-of-factly. “So come on. No kisses until you’re completely, one hundred percent in love with me.”

“And then I get k-kisses?” Lexi’s embarrassed about how much she’s squeaking today but honestly Rue needs to learn to think. Rue takes her hand and plops herself down on the bed again, flicking off the bathroom light as she does.

“That was the deal, wasn’t it?” Rue says distractedly, fingers tapping as she tries to find the next question.

“What if you’re not in love with me?”

“Oh,” Rue says, looking up. “I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

~~~

Lexi’s always been good at pretending. Pretending she’s straight, pretending she’s interested in everything the other kids are, pretending she’s okay.

She’s not sure she can pretend tonight. Not sure that while they’re both so open, so vulnerable, that she can keep pretending.

But she does. She makes it. She pretends that Rue’s last words didn’t have a stupidly naïve effect on her because Rue probably doesn’t even _mean_ it. She’s probably just joking.

There’s no _way_ she’s in love.

Her foot’s tapping anxiously as Rue reads out the next question, and her friend absentmindedly places her leg over Lexi’s to stop the movement as she reads, eyes flicking up to make sure Lexi’s okay before she continues. Rue’s laid on her stomach, hands folded under her chin with her elbows widespread outwards and her legs now entwined with Lexi’s, curls carelessly brushed to one side. Her voice is soft, mouth moving lazily as she formulates the words that Lexi hardly hears.

“Lex,” Rue whispers, a hand reaching up to stroke Lexi’s hand gently. “Did you hear me?”

Lexi shakes her head with a smile. “I’m sorry, what?”

Rue giggles. “Most terrible memory?”

Lexi’s face folds into a frown and then suddenly – without _any_ warning – she’s bursting into tears as images run through her head and her foot begins to tap so violently that even Rue’s leg can’t stop it and Rue’s body is over hers and she’s whispering Lexi’s name over and over but all Lexi can think is –

_“Alexandra Howard to the front office, please.”_

_No one ever gets called to the front office over the PA unless it’s truly an emergency, and Lexi’s eyes flick to Rue’s seat for some reassurance before remembering that her friend isn’t here today. She makes her way up the front, pulls her bag from the back of her chair and, all eyes on her, sets off to the office. _

_“Hey, baby,” her mom says when she gets there, and that’s a bad sign because her mom only ever calls Cassie baby, never her. Lexi finds herself looking for Cassie and sighing in panicked relief when she sees her standing against a pole, talking into her phone._

_The relief is short lived, because Cassie’s eyes are red rimmed and her mom’s are bloodshot from something other than alcohol. _

_“Mom,” Lexi whispers suddenly, gripped with a terrifying panic that she can’t explain, this overbearing thought that something terrible has happened. “Momma, what’s going on?”_

_“Cassie’s on the phone to Mrs Bennett,” Mrs Howard says gently, and Lexi doesn’t even feel her legs give out, only feels the reverberating bang of her tailbone hitting the ground. _

_“Mom, tell me she’s okay, tell me she’s okay… she’s gotta be okay, momma, please, tell me she’s okay –”_

_“They’re not sure, Lex,” Mrs Howard whispers, acting like a mother for one fucking day in her life, a day Lexi’s wished for so many times but dear god, not like this, please not like this. _

_“She’s gotta be okay,” Lexi’s whispering hysterically, over and over, and Mrs Howard’s got tears in her eyes again and it doesn’t even dawn on Lexi that they’re still in the school lobby. _

_“No, Mom, she has to be okay, fuck – Momma, she has to be, please, Mom, tell me she’s okay –”_

_Mrs Howard pulls her daughter up as Lexi’s numb mind breaks and breaks, fuck, she’s never gonna be okay again if Rue’s –_

_If Rue’s fucking gone._

_“What h-happened?” Lexi asks, but as soon as she does she knows the answer – fuck._

_“OD,” her mother says softly, and as soon as they get out of the building Lexi pulls away from her and retches violently into the dirt, her stomach mimicking the action but nothing surfacing. _

_“Lex,” Cassie says gently, coming over from the pole she was standing against and pulling Lexi’s hair back into a pony tail. “Come on, Lex, this isn’t helping her.”_

_“Cass – Cass, she’s going – fuck, she’s gone, fuck, Cassie –” Lexi falls against her sister in heaving sobs that leave her breathless and sick, but she doesn’t even care because fuck, Rue’s –_

_Fuck. _

_“Not gone, not yet,” Cassie whispers, stroking Lexi’s hair for a second before pushing her out at arm’s length. “C’mon, Lex, listen to me.”_

_Lexi, still completely numb, for some reason only thinking about the phrase they learnt in French last period – état de choc. _

_State of shock. _

_It’s going over and over, through her head, Rue’s gone Rue’s gone Rue’s gone, and that stupid sentence - état de choc, état de choc, état de choc._

_“Lex,” Cassie murmurs again, slightly interrupting her _état de choc. _“Lexi. Lexi, listen to me. They’ve put her in an induced coma, okay? She’s at the hospital, Lexi, they’re trying – come on, Lexi, this isn’t helping her –”_

“Lexi. Lexi, _fuck_! Lex – Lex, bub, look at me – Lexi…”

Lexi takes a huge breath, clutching immediately at Rue, clawing her fingers into Rue’s back and burying her face into Rue’s shirt. “F-Fuck, Rue-Rue…”

It’s a name Lexi hardly calls her anymore, and Rue finds tears shining in her eyes as her best friend breaks in her arms, runs her hands up and down Lexi’s back as Lexi whines into her top, sobs wracking her body. Lexi’s shaking hand is fisting the front of her shirt, clutching the material so tightly Rue’s sure there will be crinkles in it if she ever lets go.

“Shhh – shh, you’re okay, Lex… it’s okay, you’re okay –”

“N-No,” Lexi whines, lip trembling as she falls into another fit of sobs and butts her head into Rue’s collarbone as she grips at her, as if she’s scared if she lets go Rue will be gone. Rue holds her just as tight, squishing her cheek against the side of Lexi’s head, lips moving close to Lexi’s ear.

“Shh… shhh… you’re okay. Breathe, Lex…”

“R-Rue,” Lexi whimpers, her small body shaking violently in Rue’s arms. “R-Rue-Rue…”

“I’m just here,” Rue whispers back, and the irony isn’t lost on her that normally their positions are switched. “Shh, I’m just here…”

Lexi takes a shaky breath, trying to calm herself down, failing at that and starting to cry harder again, that stupid phrase running through her head again.

_État de choc. _

“Fuck,” Rue says, shifting Lexi and causing the smaller girl to let out a loud sob, a beg for her to stay. “Okay, bub – shh… what can I do, Lexi? Talk to me.”

Lexi looks up, her cheeks shining with tears and eyes oh-so-puffy and sad. “H-Hold me,” she whispers, and she can’t even find it in herself to be embarrassed because _fuck_, she almost lost Rue.

Rue nods, tightening her grip around Lexi’s body again. “I won’t let go, okay? Can you have some water for me?”

Lexi shakes her head, burying her face in Rue’s chest again and breathing her in. “You’re here. You’re here –”

“I’m here,” Rue agrees, sounding slightly confused but agreeing nevertheless. “I’m here, I’m just here…”

Lexi whimpers again, this sad sound accompanied by yet another tightening of her grip on Rue, that makes the taller girl’s heart break, makes her think that even though she’s had a lot of shit happen in her life there’s no sound sadder than Lexi’s desperate cries.

It makes Rue want to protect her and ignites this need in her body that she’s not sure will ever truly go away.

A need to make sure she’s safe.

A need to keep her okay.

A need to make sure she never feels like this again.

“Bub,” Rue whispers, and Lexi relaxes slightly against her at the pet name, a name Rue’s always saved for her. “Come on, Lex, it’s okay.”

“D-Don’t lea-leave me,” Lexi hiccups, and she feels Rue’s thumb brush underneath her ear and tilts her head up slightly.

“I’m not going to – fuck, Lex, of course I’m not going to… shh… deep breaths, okay? Take a deep breath with me.”

Lexi nods, does what she’s told, chokes on it halfway through and manages to look Rue in the eyes before she’s a sobbing mess again in her lap. “Rue – _Rue_, Rue, Rue-Rue…”

“Shh,” Rue whispers again, stroking Lexi’s hair with her short nails, pressing her lips to Lexi’s temple. “It’s okay, Lexi… you’re okay.”

“Ca’ we skip this q’estion?” Lexi asks, her lip trembling into a pout as more tears spill down her cheeks. Rue swipes her thumb carefully under Lexi’s eye, and then she holds perfect eye contact as she presses her lips to the salty tears tracking their way down Lexi’s cheeks.

Lexi’s eyes flutter closed at the action, her breathing steadying slightly as Rue continues to kiss her tears away, the soft pressure of Rue’s lips kind of grounding her and making her grip on Rue loosen slightly.

“Good,” Rue murmurs, but Lexi’s thankful that she doesn’t let go at all.

“Immona read the next quession,” Lexi slurs, her whole body shaking as Rue works to rub her hands over her to calm her down. “Bu’ you gotta lissen first, k, Rue?”

“Okay, Lex.”

Lexi’s eyes fill again, her lips pursing as more hot tears drip down her swollen cheeks. “P-Promise you’ll never scare me agai’ li’that, Rue-Rue… promise…”

“What are you talking about, Lexi?” Rue asks, her face crumpling into a frown. “I’m confused, Lex.”

“Tha’ day,” Lexi whimpers, and she starts to cry again. “Don’ do it again, Rue, _please_.”

“Which day, bub?”

Lexi shakes her head, buries it in Rue’s neck and concentrates on how she smells like musk and vanilla and a little bit of the coconut shampoo the Bennett household has stocked ever since she can remember.

“Which day, Lexi?”

Lexi makes a soft sound, a little whine, and shakes her head over and over again until Rue murmurs that it’s okay and she doesn’t have to say and it’s all gonna be alright.

“Don’t ever leave me, Rue,” Lexi mumbles, before she takes a huge breath and lets it out slowly through her nose. She wants to apologise but she knows Rue would tell her not to and she hasn’t got any energy right now, doesn’t want to move or ever let Rue go in case the inevitable happens.

“Maybe we should go to sleep, Lex,” Rue whispers, but Lexi’s breath catches again and she shakes her head immediately.

“I wanna finish it.”

Rue smiles down at her, kisses her head quickly, and reaches out to pick up her phone only to be interrupted by an urgent pant from Lexi, a pant that Rue quickly realises meant she let go for to long, a pant she fixes by wrapping her arm back around Lexi’s waist and snuggling her closer in.

To be honest, Lexi doesn’t care if they finish the questions. Like, she _does_, but at the moment she just doesn’t want to be asleep, doesn’t want Rue to be asleep, wants to be in a position where she knows they’re both okay, both together.

The questions are just a distraction at this point.

She takes the phone from Rue with a shaky hand and notices how the case is a little bit bumpy against her fingertips, notices all at once how her senses are both heightened and dulled at the same time.

“If you knew that in one y-year you’d die suddenly,” Lexi whispers. “Would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”

Rue giggles. “Well, duh.”

“Why don’t you, then?”

Rue shrugs. “I don’t actually know.”

“Rue,” Lexi whispers, and she’s kind of scared about how this will end but she’s going to say it anyway. “For the next year, we gotta change one thing every week. And we have to tell the other what we’re changing, until we’re both happy. Okay?”

“Okay, Lexi,” Rue whispers back, and she folds Lexi against her until they’re curled up together in a way Rue didn’t even know was possible, a way that defies the laws of physics, a way that’s simply _them_, the very essence of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all know the deal. hope you didn't cry tooooo much hehe


	9. Chapter Nine ~ something more than just smiles out the door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i disappeared! my laptop charger disappeared too lmao but it's back now!   
hope you enjoy the chapter :) thank you all for your beautiful comments, they make my day :))  
love you!  
char

Lexi’s got Rue’s phone in her hand but somehow she’s still curled into the taller girl, her head resting right in the crook of Rue’s neck, her breath pulling goosebumps from the smooth skin as it nestles lightly over it.

She doesn’t even need to read the question aloud, just answers immediately because she knows Rue’s seen it over her shoulder.

_What does friendship mean to you?_

“I feel like sometimes when I need words they just… disappear,” she says quietly, and Rue stays silent, letting her think.

“That,” Lexi says decisively, her spare hand reaching around to trace patterns across Rue’s collarbone. “When someone knows you so well they don’t need words. Friendship is kind of… trust, I guess. And loyalty and honesty and love and empathy.”

“Big words,” Rue murmurs quietly.

Lexi sighs. “I think friendship is my biggest fear.”

“Oh?”

She nods, snuggling closer to Rue in her moment of insecurity. Rue’s got a small constellation on her necklace, part of her obsession with stars. She’s a Virgo, in every sense of the word.

Smart.

Artistic.

Critical. Maybe too critical.

Stubborn.

Stupidly – _stupidly_ – hard on herself.

Lexi finds herself taking the charm in her fingers, wrapping them tight around it until the sharp corners poke into her palm, and only when she’s feeling something other than the floaty, dreamy feeling she’s had for the past few hours, does she keep talking.

“Don’t you ever get scared about being friends with someone? Like… if you care about something it just gives you all the more to lose. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not care about anything at all.”

“If you don’t care about anything,” Rue says gently, “Everyone else gets hurt. There’s no winning.”

Lexi disagrees. “There is winning.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “This.”

Rue breathes out so deeply at Lexi raises slightly from her position against her chest. “Everything okay?”

Rue nods against her, her lips, once again, resting on Lexi’s hairline. “Yeah,” she mumbles. Lexi lets the silence sit for a moment. “Yeah, just… you scare me sometimes, Lex.”

“Scare you?”

“Yeah.” Rue blows a breath through her lips, trying to think of how to phrase her next words without upsetting Lexi. It’s something she’s been doing more often – thinking before she speaks.

Weird.

“It scares me that you care about me,” she says finally, after Lexi’s stopped looking up at her and has given in to the apparent fact that Rue won’t talk. Lexi raises any eyebrow but stays where she is, almost as if she knows that if she moves Rue might shut up.

“Caring about someone is scary, yeah… but being cared for is scarier, I think. Because if you lose someone it hurts you… you can deal with that. You might even deserve it. But if you hurt someone else because they care about you… that’s harder to accept. Much harder to deal with.”

Lexi stays silent.

Rue panics internally.

It seems to be one of their things.

But then Lexi speaks and Rue calms and everything’s restored to normal.

“You know how when we were little you used to pretend you didn’t care about anything?”

“I don’t care about anything,” Rue says immediately, and, a split second later, follows it up with “Except you.”

Lexi tries to ignore the small smile creeping onto her face but gives in and lets it stay there before she talks. “Yes, you do. You’re wrong.”

“I am not!”

“You are. I think you care too much, about everything.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Yes, you do,” Lexi giggles.

“Nope.”

“Yep.”

“I do not!”

“You do too!”

Rue scrunches her face up and Lexi laughs, full on laughs out loud into the quiet night, before Rue shushes her with a giggle and a long finger against her lips and then suddenly Lexi can’t stop laughing, she’s not even sure what’s funny so she tickles Rue’s hips, right in the curve where her ribs meet her taught stomach, right where she knows Rue’s weak spot is.

Rue yelps, scrambling backwards and away from Lexi, but Lexi’s small and agile and pounces, landing with a leg either side of Rue’s chest, her fingers attacking the taller girl’s neck and arms and ribs and practically anywhere she can get her hands on. Rue’s in fits of giggles, her eyes shining with tears as she hisses for Lexi to stop.

She does, for a second.

And then she goes back in tenfold, tickling and tickling so Rue never stops laughing because she’s pretty sure it’s the most angelic, beautiful, _gorgeous_ sound in the –

Rue jabs her long fingers under Lexi’s arms and attacks her ribs so badly that Lexi falls on top of her in a giggling heap, her small figure squirming with little pants of laughter as she works to keep quiet.

“Stop – stop, Rue, _stop_!” She’s giggling so hard her stomach hurts, moving over Rue’s body until –

She finds her face an inch from Rue’s, both pairs of eyes lit up with laughter. One of Rue’s hands come up and curls around the back of her neck and then –

They’re kissing.

It’s slow at first, soft and sensual and exactly how Lexi wanted her first kiss to be.

Not that this is her first kiss. Her first (real) kiss was with a boy called Tucker Blake, at the Spring Formal in ninth grade. That was wet and sloppy and caused Lexi to cry so hard that night because she realised she had no interest whatsoever in men.

This –

This is so much more.

So.

Fucking.

Much.

Lexi opens her mouth a little and Rue’s hand tightens slightly around her neck to pull her impossibly closer, opening her mouth in accommodation of Lexi’s tiny gasp. Rue slips her tongue out and traces Lexi’s bottom lip carefully before Lexi’s moving her arms to cup Rue’s face and entwining their tongues in a hungry, needy kiss.

It’s like nothing either girl has ever felt.

Rue’s mind is malfunctioning because she’s struggling to believe that anything – any fucking thing – could be better than Fentanyl.

But Lexi’s just proved that holy _fuck_, there is something better than Fentanyl.

It’s Lexi’s lips.

Lexi pulls away for air right as her brain short circuits and she grins stupidly in Rue’s face. Rue grins back, panting heavily as Lexi breathes a ‘wow’ out and falls in a heap against Rue, her forehead hitting Rue’s with a soft thud.

Rue giggles, and then Lexi giggles too and Rue realises that they need to actually talk about this this time.

That thought is enough to wipe the smile off her face.

She brings her hand down from Lexi’s neck and rests it on her hip instead, willing her anxiety to just stay down _just this fucking once_.

It doesn’t listen to her.

It never does.

“Fuck,” she whispers blindly, whole body tensing beneath Lexi’s. “F-Fuck, we just did that.”

“Yeah,” Lexi says dreamily. “Oh, my god.”

“Fuck,” Rue says again, and Lexi’s eyes fly open.

“Rue,” she says carefully. “Rue, look at me.”

“N-No, Lex, we j-just did that…”

“Shh, look at me, Rue, look at me…” Lexi moves slightly, aware that Rue’s seconds away from a panic attack, and changes her position so she’s not so clearly in Rue’s personal space and she whispers carefully.

“It’s okay, Rue-Rue.”

Rue’s chest shudders. “N-No…”

“Yes, bub,” Lexi murmurs. “It’s okay, take a deep breath for me, Rue, you’re okay…”

Rue nods, eyes flickering as she pulls herself back from the edge and then looks up at Lexi. “We just kissed.”

“We did,” Lexi nods. “Do you – do you regret it?” She knows the question needs to be asked but she’s not sure she’ll survive if the answer is yes.

Rue looks down before she meets Lexi’s eyes again. “No,” she says finally, a long sigh escaping her lips. “No, I don’t… but Lex – it’s not – it’s not fucking _easy _to love me –”

“Rue,” Lexi interrupts seriously. “You think I don’t know that?”

Rue laughs stupidly, bringing her hand back up to Lexi’s neck and in that moment Lexi knows they’re gonna be okay. No matter which way this goes from here, they’ll be alright and everything will turn out okay.

She leans down and presses her lips oh-so-gently against the tip of Rue’s nose, causing the girl’s eyes to flutter shut with a gentle sigh and her thumb to gently stroke the soft skin beneath Lexi’s ear.

“That was fucking amazing,” Lexi whispers honestly, and Rue’s eyes flick open again.

“It was,” she agrees, and she notices that her lips still haven’t stopped buzzing. “Fuck, it really was.”

Lexi – who’s arms are burning now, by the way, from the effort of holding herself above Rue – falls against her with a smile, nuzzling her nose into Rue’s soft collarbone as the taller girl strokes patterns across the nape of her neck.

“Do we even need to finish the questions now?” Rue asks softly.

Lexi sits up. “Yes,” she says adamantly. “How do I know you’re in love with me yet?”

“Wasn’t that kiss enough?”

Lexi scrunches her face up in the most adorable question that Rue’s ever seen. “No.”

“Okay. Look at me.”

Lexi’s eyes fly open. Rue takes her hand, and ever so seriously looks her in the eye.

“Lexi Howard.”

Lexi’s chest shakes with giggles as she nods, eyes shining despite the serious look on her lips.

“I am very much so in love with you and think I have been for quite some time now.” Rue’s lips move but Lexi’s brain is malfunctioning and all she can think is _quite some time now_.

“Not as long as me,” she bursts out, and blushes a bright tomato red immediately after, hand coming up comically to clamp over her mouth. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry?” Rue’s eyes are bright, teeth shining in the dark in a wide smile. “What was that?”

Lexi groans, flopping dramatically across Rue’s legs as her friend’s – friend? – hands move to stroke her hairline. It’s funny, she thinks, how so much just changed within a minute.

Funny, and kind of scary.

“What was that?” Rue teases again, and Lexi buries her burning face in Rue’s thigh and tries to think about how much she’d like to shift just a little upwards and bury her face somewhere else.

“You had a crush on me, Lex?”

Lexi groans again, murmuring into Rue’s thigh so that little sparks fly up Rue’s body and she blushes heavily. “On’y for like, _forever_.”

“Cutie.”

“Embarrassing, more like it,” Lexi giggles, sitting up. She wants to wrap herself in Rue’s arms but at the moment they’re kind of sitting in this grey area between friendship and something more. Lexi’s not sure how well she’d cope if they went backwards rather than forwards so she stays still and just looks at Rue, tracing her with her eyes as if she wants to ingrain every part of her in her memory for ever and ever.

Rue looks back, and then she’s reaching out an arm to grab Lexi’s hand and stroking it softly. “We probably need to talk about this, but I’m really bad at deep conversations so let’s put it off and finish the questions first, okay?”

Lexi laughs, and Rue’s sure it’s as if angels have been sent from heaven because she’s not sure she’ll ever get sick of the way Lexi’s eyes crinkle and her cheeks lift and her mouth opens to show creamy teeth and a tongue that Rue wants in places she won’t mention.

Rue’s slowly coming to the realisation that she’s been letting Lexi down for years and years and it’s not fair to just – _fall_ _in love back_ like this. It’s not fair at all.

But right now, they’re both so extremely happy that Rue’s willing to push that to the back of her mind until a late night panic attack inevitably comes some day and she thinks over every shitty thing she’s ever done.

She’ll think about it then.

But now, she’s gonna focus on how Lexi’s got wisps of hair framing her pretty face, how Rue can feel how fast her heart is being and how for once she’s on a high and it’s not from synthetic drugs.

She wants to stay in this moment forever, she decides. Happy and calm and free and completely in love with Lexi Howard.

Lexi, who’s now somehow lying on _top_ of Rue, a position neither want to admit feels fucking amazing and somehow, despite the fact that both girls are struggling to breathe because, yknow, if one of them moves they’re_ technically_ grinding, they’re giggling through question twenty-one.

“What roles do – do love and affection play in your life?” Rue whispers, and Lexi grins.

“I think they’re what I live for,” she answers honestly. “Imagine a world without love… without – without _this_.” She gestures to the position they’re stuck in and Rue smiles.

“Be pretty crappy, hmm?”

“_Really_ crappy,” Rue agrees, bopping her nose cutely against Lexi’s. “Ugh, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Let’s not, then,” Lexi says dreamily, because honestly? She’s felt on this high ever since her lips touched Rue’s.

“Let’s not then,” Rue nods. She smooths her hand over Lexi’s head, and Lexi leans up into the touch.

“Your turn.”

“Scares me,” Rue admits. “But… in a good way.” She thinks.

She’s actually not sure.

In fact, in typical Rue fashion, Rue’s starting to second guess everything.

The fact that Lexi’s head is on her lap.

That they _kissed_.

That she thinks Lexi is very much so in love with her and she – she _maybe_ is falling for Lexi.

Scrap she thinks – Rue knows. She knows Lexi adores her.

It fucking terrifies her.

She moves the phone back into her view of sight, hoping it might distract her from her overly sweaty palms and the way her heart beat’s increasing tenfold, and reads the next question out in what she hopes is a normal voice.

“Alternate sharing what you think is a positive characteristic of your partner. Do five each.” _Fuck, yes, this was good. Rue could do this. _

Complimenting Lexi was practically ingrained in her brain.

Lexi grins up at her with sparkling eyes, for once completely unaware of the state of inner panic Rue’s in because she’s just so fucking happy. For the first time in her life, Lexi Howard thinks she understands why Rue does drugs.

She’d do _anything_ to feel like this all the time, too.

And so, sitting on this high she wishes to never end, she starts them off. “I think you’re strong.”

“I’m not fucking _strong_-”

“Oh, stop talking. You are.”

“Lex –”

“Rue. I don’t take criticism.”

Rue’s heart sinks at the look in Lexi’s eyes. A look of pure adoration, of love and responsibility and utter _trust_.

A look she wants to never see go and also wants to banish forever. A look that scares her so much she feels her stomach clench as Lexi looks up at her.

Because what Rue’s sure of is that while she feels trapped, Lexi feels free.

She feels so free.

Like she can be happy for once without judgement, like she can love without boundaries, like she can be herself.

That’s what Rue doesn’t want to take away.

She opens her mouth. “You’re always there, always loyal and there when anyone needs you without question.”

Lexi nods. They both know it’s true.

Rue’s found that sometimes, when she’s anxious, she gets hit with random memories from years and years ago, memories she didn’t even know she remembered, memories that sometimes help and sometimes make her worse.

That’s what happens now.

She’s remembering how the night her dad died, she turned up at Lexi’s door at eleven at night, wrapped in his hoodie with her hair dampened with snow. She’s remembering how Lexi opened the door quietly and snuck her in, how they crept past Cassie’s sleeping figure and grabbed all the pillows and blankets from Lexi’s bed. How they’d made this dumb fort and cuddled up together under it for the whole night with a flashlight and multiple blocks of chocolate. Neither of them had spoken. Lexi just _knew_.

“You’re really funny,” Lexi whispers. “Sometimes without meaning to, but whatever.”

Rue swallows thickly. “Y-You too.”

Lexi’s eyebrows furrow slightly but she continues on. “And you’re really good at caring.”

Rue scoffs. “No, that’s you.”

Lexi sighs. “You’re too hard on yourself.”

“That’s not positive, Lex.” She needs to keep talking. To keep her mind off the panic that’s stirring in her stomach.

“Give me one, then.”

Rue’s head explodes, because she’s got so many positives over Lexi flying through her brain but she can’t get any of them to surface because she feels so fucking broken and sick and –

Lexi’s hand brushes over her own, causing Rue’s panicked eyes to look up and meet hers.

“You good?”

Rue nods, blowing a long breath through her lips. “You always make me feel better,” she murmurs lowly. “All the fucking time.”

Lexi smiles brightly. “Rue, you’re fucking beautiful.” She watches as Rue’s eyebrow raises, watches as disbelief shines in her eyes. “It’s true.”

“You’re blind.”

“Only by a little,” Lexi giggles, eyes flying towards her glasses sitting on the table. “But when I put those on, you’re even more beautiful." She winks stupidly, trying to get Rue's attention.

“Dumbass,” Rue says softly. “Stop lying, Lex, _please_.”

Lexi sighs. Rue hates liars – hates them arguably more than anything else in the world. “I’m not lying.” She moves her hand to press atop Rue’s, unaware that it causes Rue’s heart to stop for a second as she struggles to breathe. “I promise.”

Rue bites her lips anxiously, shaking her head.

“Okay, hey, listen to me,” Lexi says, sighing heavily as she wonders whether what she’s planning to do will end well or terribly. “Listen… I love your fucking eyes, Rue, okay? It’s like.. sometimes I look at them and they tell a million stories, like you can see the stars in them. And I love how tall you are, because it means I can do this so easily –” She takes a deep breath, resting her head on Rue’s shoulder. “I love your hands, how they fit so well within mine.. and you hair, it’s so soft and pretty and I love braiding it and running hands through it.”

Rue’s panicking properly now, her heart racing as Lexi keeps complimenting and complimenting.

“Lexi, stop,” she gasps suddenly. “Stop – stop, you can’t – we can’t do this, Lex, we can’t fucking –”

Lexi – in all her dumb gay glory – leans forward and presses her lips to Rue’s. “And lastly, I love how considerate you are of others.”

Rue pulls back in a blind panic. “That’s why – that’s why we can’t, Lex, I’m considering your feelings – fuck, Lex, you can’t do this, we can’t do this –”

Lexi’s heart fucking breaks. And she realises, as Rue panics, that this is the time she supports and helps and talks through it. That she should probably calm Rue down and let her know it’ll all be okay and tell her exactly what’s going to happen to help restore some sort of order to her brain.

But she’s selfish, for once. So she pulls away and glances one last time at Rue’s fear-stricken face before running from the room and leaving Rue on her own.


	10. Chapter Ten ~ i'll come back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rue runs away. lexi runs after her. rue returns. they be gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this chapter is soft but angsty... the norm, yknow? i kinda relate a lot to rue here :|  
please leave comments! love you all x

When Lexi returns from collecting herself and taking a few quick swigs from her mom’s wine, Rue’s gone.

This fact dawns crystal clear in her mind, makes her swear too loudly and look in the stupidest spots for her friend – who was _panicking_, who probably left and is possibly about to get run over. Rue, who’s sweet and caring and who Lexi needs to know is okay.

She’s halfway out the window, in such a state of blind hatred towards herself that she forgets front doors are a thing, her elbow scraping on the side of the window as she shivers uncontrollably at the strong breeze that’s she’s letting in, when the door opens into her bedroom and Cassie – Cassie, who’s been at a college party with McKay all night, as far as Lexi knows – walks into their room dragging a hyperventilating Rue behind her, both of them with bloodshot eyes.

“Lexi, what the fuck?” Cassie sighs as if she’s annoyed that she hadn’t expected Lexi would be in the process of climbing out the window. “Get your drunk ass back inside.”

“I’m not drunk,” Lexi says stupidly, because she’s _not_, she’s only had a few sips, and beside – that was like, four minutes ago. “I gotta go get Rue.”

“Rue’s here, dumbass,” Cassie tugs her back inside almost roughly, so hard that Lexi yelps and falls onto the floor into a heap.

“No, she’s –” It’s about this moment when Lexi spots Rue, and then, like any normal sad teenager, she bursts into tears.

“Oh, what the _fuck_,” Cassie sighs, because now both her younger sister and her younger sister’s best friend are crying steadily and she’s way too sober for this. “Lex, get your ass up here. Shut up, help me with Rue.”

“N-No,” Lexi sobs meekly, refusing to meet Rue’s eyes. “No, Cass, I can’t.”

“My ass, you can’t,” Cassie scoffs. “Go clean yourself up and the next time you fucking come in here you better be calm enough to help me, okay?”

“O-Okay,” Lexi whispers, heaving herself off the floor and heading to the bathroom.

Rue whimpers in Cassie’s grasp, aware that she shouldn’t be freaking out in front of someone who isn’t her mom or Lexi or Jules or Gia. “C-Cass, I gotta go…”

“Rue, honey, if you think I’m letting you go anywhere like this you must be on fucking drugs-” Cassie realises her mistake immediately, but Rue’s giggling softly and she’s stopped crying and Cassie figures she’s maybe done something right.

Lexi walks back in with a long breath out and sits quietly on the edge of the bed across from Rue, eyes downcast, teeth gnawing on her bottom lip.

“Oh my god, drama queen,” Cassie rolls her eyes, aware that Rue’s stopped laughing and that they’re sitting in awkward silence. She kicks Lexi’s ankle. “Talk, idiots. I’m going to go pass out in the lounge, okay? _Talk_.”

It’s quiet until the door slams shut behind her. And then it’s quiet some more.

Rue can’t take it.

“Lex,” she whispers, snaking her hand out to press a single fingertip to the prominent vein on top of Lexi’s hand.

Lexi looks up with a sigh, because she wants to be mad and sad and a million other emotions, but right now? Looking at Rue’s watery eyes and the way she shakes and how her hair’s a fucking mess?

She just wants them to be okay again.

Rue’s face moves in the way Lexi’s only ever seen new born baby’s move. Scrunchy and twitchy and sad and like she’s on the verge of tears without actually crying.

Lexi’s mouth opens and then shuts, her eyes blink quickly, she has an internal gay panic attack before sucks her lips in and asks quietly. “Rue? Can I hug you?”

Rue nods quickly, and then Lexi’s in her lap but somehow still holding her, her arms wrapped tightly around Rue’s waist and her lips resting on her forehead. “Are you okay?”

Rue nods again, unsure if she’ll be able to talk properly if she tries.

“Um. Can I get something out?”

Another nod.

Lexi takes a deep breath and then curls her head into Rue’s neck so that she’s not looking right at her, because she’s not sure she can do that. She’s slightly relieved when Rue’s hand rests gently on her back, even more relieved when the other hand strokes the nape of her neck.

“I really, _really_ fucking want this,” Lexi whispers, her voice breaking. “I wanna be able to be there for you, Rue… I want you to let me love you and I wanna – I wanna fucking kiss you, I want to love you like you deserve to be –”

“That’s what you don’t get,” Rue murmurs. “I don’t-”

“Don’t fucking take that with me, Rue Bennett,” Lexi growls, snapping up so that they’re face to face and she can look Rue right in the eyes. “Don’t you fucking say that. I don’t want to hear it, okay? You deserve love just as much as the next person – more so, okay?”

“But-”

“No fucking buts,” Lexi snaps, almost angrily. “No buts.”

Rue sighs. “Lex-”

“_No_. No! I won’t stand for it! You’re too fucking harsh on yourself, and you don’t fucking –”

“Stop,” Rue whispers suddenly, a tiny smile on her lips. “Lexi, stop, I get it. I get it, okay? I just – it’s really hard…”

“I know,” Lexi whispers, letting her head drop to meet Rue’s. “God, I know…”

“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Lexi murmurs softly, bringing her hand up to touch Rue’s neck before letting it drop. “You don’t have to love me straight away. We’ll finish these stupid questions because I’m too worked up to sleep and it’s way too early to get up. And then we’ll continue doing what we’re doing and we’ll see how it plays out. You’ll let me in, let me _care_, and maybe then you’ll start to see that you’re fucking deserving of love. I’ll love you like I want to, within your – reasonable – limits, and if something comes out of it then something comes out of it. If nothing happens, then it’s not meant to be, okay?”

Rue nods silently. “I just don’t wanna make you feel trapped.”

“I don’t – I don’t feel trapped, okay? I promise. And – hey, Rue, you know I’d never lie, right?”

“I know.”

“I’ll tell you, if you _ever_ do anything wrong. Alright? I _promise_.”

Rue sucks lightly on her lips. “O-Okay.”

“I promise, Rue. I promise I’ll tell you if I ever feel anything’s not right. I’m not gonna hide anything.”

Rue sighs. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, Lex. That’s not it. It’s just – I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone can actually care, you know? That it’s not all a pity act.”

“Some people suck,” Lexi says. “Some people do it all out of pity and pretend to be something to your face and something else behind your back. Not me, though, okay? Not me.”

Rue nods, sighing as she curls herself tighter against Lexi. She believes Lexi wouldn’t lie. She really does. She just finds it hard to think that… uh, anyone actually _cares_ about her. Oh, well – she figures that’s a depressing thought for later. “Do you really wanna finish those questions?”

Lexi nods. “If you’re happy to.”

“I want to.”

Lexi runs her fingers over Rue’s hand as the other girl opens her phone up, trying to tap unsuccessfully to the site. “It’s not working.” Immediately her mind goes to fate, to karma, to something going wrong and them not being destined to fall in love, to the universe getting in the way of their so called _love story_.

She starts to panic. She hates that she does but she does, and Lexi must know exactly what’s going through her head because she takes it gently from Rue’s hand and fixes it herself with a soft smile down at her friend, who flickers a smile back up as she breathes slowly in, slowly out.

“I got it,” Lexi says a minute later. “You okay?”

Rue nods, shuffles carefully up so she’s sitting pressed up against Lexi with her head leaning on the other girl’s shoulder. It’s an awkward position, really, because Rue’s much taller than Lexi, so her head has to tilt almost uncomfortably to be able to sit properly on Lexi’s shoulder.

But sometimes – most of the time, really, unless she’s gloating about how she can reach the top shelf and Lexi can’t – Rue doesn’t feel taller than Lexi. Because being taller generally means older, more mature – and Rue, when she’s around Lexi, mostly feels younger and immature and kind of childish with all her problems and how Lexi can fix them, almost like her mom used to give her ginger tea as a child when she had a stomach bug, or how her dad would feed her dry toast to try and stop her from throwing up.

Lexi feels like the _mom_ friend. She always has, despite being a year younger than their group, and Rue’s so fucking grateful for her, so amazed and how she can always manage to cheer her up and fix her bruises and sores.

She’s about to lean in and whisper all this into Lexi’s ear when Lexi moves suddenly – to say the question, presumably – and Rue’s lips brush the underside of Lexi’s ear, rub against the soft skin of her neck, and Lexi shivers slightly and they both lock eyes in a gay panic before turning away, identical blushes spreading up shrinking necks.

Lexi clears her throat, tries to ignore the goosebumps spreading across her skin, and says – in a somewhat rasping voice – “How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?”

Rue scoffs immediately, thinking to herself that both of their answers to this are going to be kind of depressing. “I mean, my childhood was kind of ruined by the continuous psychiatrist appointments and the variety pack of mental issues I was diagnosed with – and then the whole my dad dying saga didn’t really help. So, nah, probably not _happier_.”

Lexi sighs, because Rue’s voice is kind of tilting with humour and she hates the way her friend never seems to talk seriously about things, preferring to hide behind jokes and dry sarcasm, never going into the deep end that Lexi knows needs to be cracked at some point before the person hiding it needs another way to escape. But she knows Rue better than anyone and she knows that Rue’s tired and vulnerable already and she’s not going to open Pandora’s box at three thirty in the morning, so she says gently. “And your family?”

“Well, I kinda fucked up the _warm, closeness_ when I started doing drugs,” Rue shrugs. “I suppose we used to be warm. Now my mom’s either pissed or overly emotional and Gia’s always scared and fragile around me – and I know that’s my fucking fault, Lex, but it still hurts. It hurts so much…”

Lexi turns silently and wraps her arm around Rue’s waist, pulling her closer against her with a gentle, hesitant kiss to her temple. When Rue doesn’t react, she mushes her cheek against Rue’s and looks out over her room, knowing Rue’s surveying the exact same thing.

“Do you remember in year four, when Miss Thames made us make those ceramic pots?” She asks softly.

Rue nods, unsure where Lexi’s going with it but picturing their little painted pots, all lined up in a perfect row on the windowsill, glinting in the sunlight. She’d made Miss Thames let her line them up because the display the teacher had put them in – alternating and zig zagging – was triggering her anxiety and she was struggling to look out the window without having a panic attack.

“Remember how I hated mine?” Lexi asks, shaking her head with a giggle. “God, it was so ugly… all yellow and brown and utterly _gross_. And how I smashed it on the floor and burst into tears because it was so disgusting?”

Rue giggles quietly. “Yeah.”

“I remember how you came up and berated me for smashing it because you thought it was beautiful and it ‘now it’s all over the floor, Lex!’ You were so fucking sad about _my_ artwork, I thought you were going to cry, so I picked up all the pieces really quickly and dumped them on the table.

“Remember how Miss Thames came over and she made the whole class pick up a piece each and all together we worked and glued it back together. And it looked so beautiful when we finished, so pretty, like a mosaic, and I refired it in the kiln and wrapped it up and –”

“And brought it over to me,” Rue finishes. She smiles softly, picturing the little vase on her windowsill, how every time the sun shines _just right_, it casts metallic shapes all over her room. “Yeah… I think it’s probably the best gift I’ve ever been given.”

“God,” Lexi giggles. “Weirdo! Me and Cassie once saved for _months_ to buy you the newest earphones for your birthday and you tell me some dumb _vase_ is better?”

“It’s not dumb,” Rue says, shoving her, because it really means the world to her and she truly loves it. “I don’t get why you suddenly remembered about it, though.”

“I think that vase is like your family,” Lexi says quietly. “It’s broken, at the moment. It’s been broken for a long time. But with all these people around you, who care, we can glue all the pieces back together.”

Rue shrugs. “I don’t know if we’re able to be glued back, Lex.”

“Think about it. The morning you went to rehab, how was your mom acting? Gia?”

“Sad,” Rue whispers. “Angry, and scared. Really fucking scared.”

“And now?”

“Not quite so sad. And a little more trusting. I guess.”

“Right,” Lexi nods. “See? Baby steps, but you’re getting there. One day, Rue, your vase will be all fixed, and the sun will shine through it and it’ll be so fucking beautiful, you know?”

Rue falls against Lexi with a happy sigh, thinking that maybe she really wants to keep her around for the rest of her life. “Lex… you’re probably gonna not like hearing this, and maybe I shouldn’t say it… but I really fucking love you, you know?”

Lexi’s breath catches and she swallows thickly, turning to press her lips to one side of Rue’s eye before leaning down to kiss the other side. “I really fucking love you too,” she whispers back, when she’s sure enough that her voice won’t break as she says it.

Rue snuggles in adorably closer and Lexi has to hold in a sigh as she feels – actually _feels_ – her heart ache, a sharp pain in her chest filled with want and need.

“Lex,” Rue whispers. “Your turn to answer.”

Lexi nods, swallowing again before she talks. “My family… I guess my childhood was great until I realised what was actually going on. Like, Cass and I used to be so oblivious, you know? And then Dad got… sick, and then it was like we were smashed down from cloud nine into the real world – except we’d never known any different so it felt like he dragged us under. And my family – you know them, we’re never really together. We just do our own thing. It works.”

Rue nods. “Do you ever wish it went differently, Lex?”

“Mom and dad hated each other,” Lexi shrugs. “I think they were always bound to split. Sometimes I wish he would’ve stayed and been that divorce parent who does one week on, one week off – but other times I just think that maybe this is the best it could’ve worked out.”

She sounds – not sad, Rue decides, but… almost nostalgic. As if she misses that sort of childhood innocence. Rue’s not sure she ever _had_ that childhood innocence.

“How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?” she asks, reading off the phone. She’s almost sure she could answer this herself.

“I feel like I’m kinda half a disappointment and half the child she doesn’t have to do anything for. Like, Cassie’s basically just a mini her with feelings but I’m – I’m shy and nerdy and completely different from her and she doesn’t really know what to do with me, I think.”

“She’s missing out,” Rue says quietly. “Because you’re the most amazing girl I know, Lex. You’re not just a shy nerd – I mean, you are a shy nerd – but there’s so much more to you and I feel like way too many people don’t see past your girl next door act.”

Lexi smirks, an eyebrow raised. “Girl next door?”

“God, you know what I mean.” But – Rue stops to ponder this for a second. She also _doesn’t _want them to know the whole Lexi. Which is kinda selfish but she sort of likes having her all to herself.

“And your mom, Rue Rue?”

“I love her,” Rue says immediately. “I mean, I’m pretty much just a burden on her at this point, she worries about me and I think I’m the cause for all her grey hairs, but… I love her. And no matter how it seems, I _do_ want her to be proud.”

“Rue, you’re not –”

“Oh, shush,” Rue says, maybe a little harshly. “You can’t tell me her life wouldn’t’ve been easier without me, right?”

“Maybe not,” Lexi compromises. “But it would be a lot less bright, okay?”

“You always – find the positive,” Rue whispers. “It’s not – it’s not that fucking simple, Lexi.”

To her surprise, Lexi agrees. “Exactly. Which is why you can’t just blatantly say her life would be better without you in it.”

“I didn’t say _better_,” Rue says, because she wants Lexi to stop looking at her like she’s a kitten that’s been thrown in a box in a lake to die, even though she _means_ better – she didn’t actually _say_ it. “I said easier.”

“Rue,” Lexi says. “Stop talking.”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Lexi grins cheekily and taps her index finger gently against Rue’s knee as she scrolls to the next question. “End of conversation, okay? No one’s life would have been better without you.”

“Maybe Nate’s –”

“Ah, Nate’s a fuckboy,” Lexi says, a surprising amount of venom in her voice that makes Rue wonder if he’s done something to her.

The thought of him even laying a _finger_ on her makes Rue’s blood curdle and she lets out a tiny growl that she didn’t actually mean for Lexi to hear.

But hear she does, and she giggles lightly – and this sound alone is enough to calm Rue’s head and forget about Nate Fucking Jacobs for a moment as she leans her head against Lexi’s – way too short – shoulder and waits for the next question.

Rue expects it to be ‘how do you feel about your relationship with your father’ and consequently panics for a full moment about how they’re going to answer it without actually having fathers, so she’s pleasantly surprised when Lexi reads out “Make three ‘we’ statements each. For example, ‘we are both in this room feeling…’”

“Slightly anxious,” Rue says immediately, and Lexi laughs out loud.

“One hundred percent.” Her voice softens slightly. “You okay?”

Rue nods, her eyes lighting up as she looks to Lexi with a smile and a feeling of intense gratitude. “Yeah.”

Lexi nods, tightens her grip slightly around Rue’s waist, and says “My turn. We are both taking this probably way too seriously.”

“But also enjoying it,” Rue finishes, and Lexi nods.

“We should probably sleep.”

“We’re probably not doing this right at all.”

“We’re dumbasses.”

“We’re thriving because it’s four am and we haven’t slept at all.”

Lexi giggles as her head drops down to thud gently against the top of Rue’s, stretching her body out until she’s comfortable enough that she relaxes again. Rue rolls over so she’s half on top of Lexi, and then, simultaneously, they’re both aware of how the situation is effecting their bodies.

Rue responds to this by moving off quickly and concentrating on _it’s Lexi. Don’t think like that. She’s your best friend. It’s Lexi it’s Lexi it’s Lexi…_

Lexi responds by reading out the next question too quickly in a voice that’s an octave above her normal pitch. “Complete this sentence,” she rambles. “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

Rue’s head snaps around and then she – stupidly – starts to laugh and then she’s cackling, cracking herself up at the way it’s four am and she’s turned on by her best friend and they’re trying to use ‘science’ to fall in love – it just seems overly funny to her and she giggles uncontrollably for a minute before realising that, well –

Lexi isn’t laughing.

“Right,” Rue says, shaking her head seriously. “Um –”

And then Lexi splutters and her giggles fill the room and Rue hits her gently because _fuck_ she got kind of scared there that Lexi genuinely had no idea why she was laughing and that she though Rue was laughing at her and –

Rue gives a tiny, hesitant chuckle and then they both lay there panting for a minute, trying to catch their breath, stuck in that sort of world that only exists at four am when you’re with someone you love.

Giddy and hysterical and oh-so-exhausted. A sort of halfway point between the places of dreams and reality. A world impossible to recreate.

When Rue’s not sure she can lay in silence for any longer without falling asleep, she rolls over onto one elbow and rests her head in her palm, looking down at Lexi’s face and studying it in a way that would be weird if they weren’t stuck in this crazy world.

She notices, not for the first time but definitely for the first time it _matters_, that Lexi has overly long eyelashes. She reaches out to brush them, Lexi’s eyes following her movement but never making a sound as she allows Rue’s fingers to map her face, because Rue’s trying to engrain every single piece of information she can about Lexi Howard in this moment, how perfectly beautiful she looks.

“Lex,” Rue says, very very quietly, when her fingers stop trailing over Lexi’s face and rest on the edge of her chin. “Can I kiss you?”

Lexi nods silently, no sound coming out as her mouth opens and forms the shape of a whispered _yes_. And then Rue’s holding Lexi’s chin oh-so-carefully and leaning down with such care and affection, and Lexi’s eyes are fluttering closed and they’re both so peacefully _calm_ in that moment that Rue knows whatever they’re doing has to be right.

Because not once, sober, has she ever felt like this. Hell – she hasn’t even felt like this on drugs, because even then, she was buzzing and tingling and feeling nothing and a million things at once.

Now, she’s calm and collected and so un-Rue Bennett like that a soft sigh escapes her lips just before they touch Lexi’s, and Lexi’s mouth opens to accommodate her and moves gently against her lips before she’s poking her tongue out experimentally to lick a tender line across Lexi’s bottom lip.

The sound that Lexi makes has Rue feeling all too much in all the wrong – _right?_ – places, and her breath catches as she suckles at Lexi’s mouth and feels a complete sense of happiness wash over her.

This isn’t to say that she’s not tingling all over and freaking out on the inside because it’s her best kiss ever. No. This isn’t that at all. She’d just like to point out that instead of having an internal panic attack like all the other times she’s kissed people, this feels like the opposite.

Rue’s worst enemy is her anxiety. And right now, with Lexi’s soft lips pressed against her own, she has a protector. And her anxiety is fucking _cowering_.

And she loves it. She loves _this_.

She loves Lexi.

And for the first time ever, the thought doesn’t scare her.

No. Instead, it fills her with a content sort of hope – like everything might actually be okay.

And even though she knows there’s not possible way for everything to be okay, because things are going to be fucked up, she’s okay with that.

She’s so totally okay with that, because she’s got Lexi Howard by her side.


	11. Chapter Eleven ~ emotional terror confusing our minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rue has shit to get out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! firstly kenzie asked for this (hi baby!) so here it is... i love you :) secondly, this week (and month, really) has been crappy so i hope you're all okay and looking after yourselves... i love you all. thirdly, i go back to school tomorrow :(
> 
> fourthly (??), um - this chapter is... deep. 
> 
> pretty much, one day last year i had a really bad panic attack and i sat in the back of my biology classroom in tears and unable to breathe and i just. wrote. 
> 
> i wrote and wrote and wrote everything in the hopes that if it was in words then i could give it to someone and get some help. 
> 
> i didn't. 
> 
> but i kept the words and when i started writing rue as pretty much a derivative of myself, i added the words in. 
> 
> in this chapter, rue's monologue to lex comes straight from my brain when i was at my weakest. the words she says are exactly what i feel - maybe edited a bit because when i wrote them i was unable to breathe or think or therefore spell. 
> 
> rue's anxiety and her worries are me, through and through. i've never told anyone the things rue says. it's a small snippet of what happens in my brain every time i have a panic attack and it's coming to you from rue but. it's me. 
> 
> which is why im kind of very nervous to post this. because it's such a vulnerable part of myself. im scared. i really am. and im hiding behind rue but i wanted you all to know that it's me, because if you ever feel like rue does in this chapter i want to know. 
> 
> if you ever feel anything like that, im right here. i see every comment, even if sometimes i forget to reply. i spend way too much time on twitter, so you can come talk there. im here for you. 
> 
> rue (as me) is very honest here. she says and thinks things that still send me spiralling into panic attacks, so firstly i apologise for the lack of editing, and secondly - beware. i dont know how to tw it properly, because i still dont fully understand what it is. 
> 
> i just know its wholly me, and as scary as that is, im gonna post it and then go the hell to sleep because i gotta be up at 6am for quadratic equations. 
> 
> i love you all. please take care of yourselves. i promise everything will get better. enjoy the chapter :)
> 
> love,   
me

When Lexi pulls back with a soft sigh and a pleasant yet prominent burning between her thighs, she’s so completely thankful that Rue’s looking down at her with a goofy grin and not curled up in the corner panicking. Struck with a hit of confidence because of that _not_ happening, Lexi pecks Rue’s lips once more and then grins back, ready to distract herself with –

“Back to the questions?”

Rue nods happily, smiling down at Lexi in a way that makes the other girl feel warm and tingly and oh-so-cliché – not that she’s complaining. “We’re almost finished, I think.”

“Ten more,” Lexi says. “We didn’t finish the one from before – complete the sentence.”

“And, uh,” Rue giggles dumbly. “What was that sentence?”

Lexi giggles. “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

“My bed.”

Lexi hits her.

Rue laughs – a gorgeous sound, and then softens. “My thoughts. Honest thoughts. Without having to think about whether I’m being selfish or overreacting.”

“You can do that with me.”

“Maybe the questions are working, hmm?”

Lexi blushes heavily and ponders the question for a second before turning back to Rue. “I wanna share these sort of nights with someone.”

“With me.”

Lexi ducks her head, but not before Rue sees a tiny smile resting on her lips. She buts her head into Lexi’s neck teasingly. “Going soft, Howard?”

“Never, Bennett,” Lexi says immediately, and sits back up, scrolling through Rue’s phone and clicking towards the next question. “God,” she says, scrunching her face up. “This seems dumb.”

“Oh?”

“_If you were to become close friends with your partner-”_

“We already –”

“Are,” Lexi finishes. “Yeah, I know. Dumb question.”

Rue shifts slightly uncomfortably. “Can we answer it anyway?” Leaving things unfinished has always been kind of triggering for her… books, movies, tv, now this stupid game – _god_.

Lexi knows – god, Lexi _always_ knows, and she nods simply. “Share something that would be important for her to know.”

Rue’s chest tightens slightly before she speaks her next words, because she _hates_ talking about this, absolutely hates it.

_It’s Lexi, Rue. You can trust her._

_It’s Lexi._

“Uh,” she says, and she hates how her voice cracks. She ducks her head, picking at some chipped nail polish on her left ring finger. “Um, I’m kinda high maintenance.”

Lexi sucks in a sharp breath but lets Rue keep speaking because dear god does she need to get this out.

Rue won’t meet Lexi’s eyes, chewing nervously on her lip as she speaks into her hand. “I want someone to know everything about how my brain works because generally when I’m panicking I can’t explain it and it’s so scary because no one ever knows what’s going on in there… but I don’t really – I can’t bring myself to ever tell anyone everything because it seems kinda… selfish, I guess?” She lets out a long breath, squirming uncomfortably as a light blush rises on her cheeks.

“I wanna know,” Lexi murmurs, and then falls quiet as her hand snakes over to grip Rue’s in support as the other girl takes another deep breath.

“Um-” Her voice cracks again, and Lexi squeezes her hand reassuringly. “I don’t really _know_ how to explain it.”

Lexi stays quiet.

”It’s kind of… whenever I’m sad,” Rue starts softly. “Or I’m panicking, or something’s stressing me out – I can’t talk to anyone? I lock up and I freak out and everything starts crashing in and generally it ends in, like, continuous anxiety… But uh, if I do talk to someone about it, it – um, it’s somehow worse.”

“Worse?”

Rue nods, teeth gnawing on her bottom lip, so close to drawing blood but not quite because Rue _hates _blood. “Um… B-Because when I talk I get so scared I’m annoying them. That they’re gonna leave. That the times I reach out is the last straw and I can’t ever talk to my friends in case they decide that im too needy and that I just take and take and never give.” She’s rambling, she knows she’s rambling, but Lexi looks like she’s interested so she pushes on while looking steadily at the doorstop they’ve kicked out from behind the door because she can’t look anywhere else without panicking because she’s never said any of this aloud before.

“I bottle things up to the point it gets so bad that I panic in the early morning and feel physically sick. And then the ocd and the attacks get worse and I decide that I _need_ to talk to someone. So I pick a friend and I ask for advice. And they give it and because it’s once they probably don’t think much of it. But I do. as soon as I’ve said the first word or sent the first message my brain goes into overdrive and I’m a worried mess that they’ll drop me because I’m needy or that they’re saying things like ‘you can always talk to me!’ just because they pity me and they don’t really need it and actually I’m annoying them with my stupid panic attacks and my dumb problems and the fact I never give anything back.”

“You-”

“And then I stop talking to them, because I feel terrible and I get so scared they’re gonna hate me that I shut up and don’t ever talk to anyone again.”

Rue hasn’t realised she’s crying. She feels kind of floaty, actually, like – empty and light.

And then it hits her –

“Fuck, - _fuck_, Lexi, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry –”

_As if she wanted to hear that, Rue – as if she fucking cares. God, that was selfish – god, Rue –_

Her heart rate increases. She scrambles away from Lexi and starts to blindingly pack her stuff up. She panics and panics and starts shaking so hard before she sinks down against the foot of the bed and buries her face in her knees. _No, no, no, you dumbass, she’s gonna hate you, she’s probably so sick of your bullshit and you just made it –_

“Rue,” Lexi says gently, crouching down beside her. “Hey… hey, it’s okay… hey, look at me…”

Rue shrinks backwards with a whimper, tells herself that she needs to get out of here because she’s just making it worse and worse and –

“Tell me exactly what’s going through your head, please,” Lexi requests. “Come on. Be completely honest, okay?”

Rue shakes her head. “No – no, Lex, I can’t –” _She can’t, she can’t do that, she can’t be such a burden and put all of her issues on Lexi –_

“Tell me, Rue Rue.”

“No – noooo, Lexi… no, I can’t…”

“Rue.”

Rue’s wide eyes trail up from the ground to meet Lexi’s.

“You trust me, right?”

_More than anything. “_Y-yes.”

“Right. I _promise_, on my heart – I’m not doing this out of pity. I genuinely _care_, Rue, okay? I love you.”

Rue’s heart twinges but she hardly feels it. “I can’t believe that.”

“You’re going to need to learn to,” Lexi sighs, but she cups Rue’s face in her hand gently and presses her lips to Rue’s left temple. “What’s going on in there, huh?”

Rue lets out a tiny sob. “I can’t l-lose you, Lex…”

“And I promise you won’t.” Lexi’s adamant. “Rue… please.”

“I’m –” If Rue thought she’d had internal panics before, it’s nothing compared to now. A complete. Fucking. Crisis.

Because on one hand maybe she should tell Lexi – but on the other hand –

“Say it out loud, Rue… everything that’s happening… say it, try and tell it to me…”

“E-Everything?”

“Every single thought. Just say whatever’s going through your head, no filter.”

“No filter…”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think –”

“Why not? Let it all out, Rue, pretend I’m not even listening.”

Rue picks at a spare thread in the carpet. _She’s not listening. It doesn’t matter. Just tell her._

She takes a deep breath, thinks about how terribly wrong this could go, and closes her eyes.

And begins to speak.

“I’m scared to tell you how I feel because I’m scared you’re gonna leave, I know you won’t, rationally, because you’re _Lexi_, but I’m so scared because I hate feeling like I’m a burden, and I hate using people and I know that’s what I’ve been doing for the last few years and I’m so scared, Lex, I’m so fucking scared…” Rue stops for a second to catch her breath. Not for too long, though – not enough to let her think about what she’s doing. “I hate doing this because it feels so needy and extensive and – and selfish, Lexi, it feels so selfish…”

Lexi wants, more than anything, to wrap Rue up in her arms and kiss her forehead and promise it’ll all be okay. But she knows that she needs to let Rue talk and god as much as it hurts to not be holding her right now –

It’s gonna get better.

They need this. Both of them.

Rue sighs shakily. “Sometimes I think I’m overreacting.” Lexi’s face looks disappointed, but Rue’s at the point that she knows she’s not. She’s listening.

“That I could be making this all up in my head and if I tell someone how I feel and they’ll say it’s all invalid… because what if it is? What if my panic attacks aren’t panic attacks they’re just me being wimpy? What if these compulsive thoughts and obsessions are just the way I’ve… I don’t know, been raised, my insecurities? I second guess the way I feel all the time, every fucking day, and I’m so confused because if I don’t know how I feel how will anyone else? What if I’ve been exaggerating, making it up in my head, the whole time?” She takes a shaky breath. She’s probably making no sense, probably rambling, but – like Lexi said (god, she’s going completely on what Lexi says at the moment because she doesn’t trust her own brain to make the decisions)- it’s a stream of consciousness. And Rue’s consciousness _never_ makes sense. Another shaky breath. “What if I’m unconsciously just attention seeking, Lex? And I hate how I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like I’m overreacting or putting too much pressure on them but I think it’s all my fault… maybe I am overreacting… what if all I’m saying to you is just me thinking too much and it’s actually just because I’m trying to make it interesting?”

“Rue,” Lexi interrupts, her head spiralling in an attempt to make Rue feel okay. “Tell me honestly – do you truly believe you’re overreacting? Does this – this panic that you feel _daily_ – is that something you think you’re making up?”

“W-Well, ma-maybe…”

“You think you make it up.” Lexi’s voice is almost pissed, filled with distilled hate for the way Rue thinks. “You think that the terrifying loss of breath and the struggle to keep going and all the panic and tears and sadness – you think you’re making that up?”

Rue’s face scrunches anxiously. “I-I-” she pauses. “No.”

“Right. You’re _not_ fucking imagining this, Rue. I’ve known you longer that anyone and I _know_ you don’t make this shit up. If i thought you were mixing it up in your head for fucking attention I would have left way before now, okay? The point is, Rue, I’m still _here_. I believe you. I know everything you say is true and everything you feel is valid because I’ve experienced it firsthand – I’ve been here for so many panic attacks and so many freak-outs and sometimes without meaning to you tell me what’s going through your head ands sometimes it really scares me – and that’s how I know it’s true, Rue! I know it’s fucking true and if you let me in and tell me how it feels – if you do that with a few people, we’re all gonna believe you. We all believe you already but if you just – if you just brain dump – like you did just then – it makes it so much realer, Rue, okay?”

“I don’t trust anything anymore,” Rue whispers. “I can’t… I can’t let you say that, I can’t let myself believe it –”

“Shh, yes, you can… you’re not letting yourself… it’s me, Rue, it’s me, I’m here…”

“What if my brain is just altering the importance of everything I do? Making the best or worst case scenario and convincing me I’m either okay or not? I’m – I’m scared, Lex, but I also think it’s not worth it and it’s so hard to put into words, I’m sorry –”

“Hey,” Lexi says quietly, once she’s sure Rue’s out of words. “Don’t you apologise. Don’t you say sorry for something you have no control over, okay?” She leans over and gently wipes a tear from beneath Rue’s eyelash, watches as the taller girl turns her sad, scared gaze to meet Lexi’s. Rue looks so vulnerable, so ashamed of herself, that Lexi takes a deep breath and – with an unladylike grunt – scoops Rue’s lean body up, over, and into her lap.

She’s pretty sure the sound Rue makes is of shock and not pleasure, but then Rue gives a small whimper and nuzzles immediately into Lexi’s neck like a toddler would do with their mother.

And just like a mother’s supposed to do, Lexi strokes her back and kisses her head and calms her down until Rue’s breathing slows enough for her to look up at Lexi with a soft sigh. “Are you sure you don’t mind that I just word vomited everywhere?”

Lexi grins. “No, bub… I don’t mind at all. I’m _proud_ you did that. It makes me feel special and gives me a little bit of… insight, I guess, to try and help. I want you to _keep_ doing that, Rue-Rue. Come over here and do that every week. I want you to keep doing it until I don’t have to encourage you to do it, okay?”

“And you promise you’re not gonna get sick of me?”

“I’ll one up you,” Lexi says, because she knows Rue’s trust in anyone at this point is way below par. “If – _if_ – you ever annoy me or I don’t want to hear it, I promise I’ll tell you.”

Rue’s face relaxes and she smiles gently up at Lexi. It’s exactly what she needed to hear. “Thank you.”

“You’re not a burden, Rue Bennett,” Lexi whispers. “Not now, not ever… I’m never gonna get sick of you…”

She keeps mumbling and Rue nods her head sleepily into her neck and feels a serene sense of tranquillity wash over her, feels the point at which she feels _okay_ for the first time in almost – god, she doesn’t even know how long.

“You didn’t answer,” Rue whispers, and Lexi’s face twists into a small smile. “That’s because I think you already know.”

Rue frowns adorably. “I don’t think I do.”

Lexi bops her nose teasingly against Rue’s with a tiny giggle. “I’d want her to know that she’s loved. That I love her.” She watches Rue’s face break into a big grin and blushes heavily.

“You make me feel okay,” Rue whispers, ducks her head because it’s something she wasn’t really planning to admit but in the moment it feels right.

Lexi’s heart swells and she plants a sweet kiss on Rue’s cheek, her other cheek, her forehead and chin.

This simple fact makes Rue even happier because _Lexi knew._ She knew.

She always knows.

“Tell your partner what you like about them. Be very honest this time, saying things that you probably wouldn’t say to someone you’ve just met…”

“I like your curls,” Lexi says stupidly. But it’s true! She loves them!

Rue snorts. “I was gonna say something really deep but go for it, like my curls.”

“Oh, shush, you,” Lexi giggles. “I panicked. Let me finish. I…” she stops laughing, looks at Rue with a gaze so serious that Rue swallows thickly and averts her eyes. “I like how you’ve been here since the start… how no matter how much we drift we always end up back... here,” she gestures to their position. “I love how this happens almost immediately even if we haven’t talked for months…”

Rue finds herself genuinely hating herself. She’s so mad that she ever yelled at this girl, ever left her in the dust, ever took her for granted. She’s mad that she never appreciates Lexi enough, hates that she acts the way she does.

“Lexi,” she interrupts. “Stop being nice. I’ve literally… been a bitch to you since grade school.”

“No you haven’t.”

“Yes, I have –”

“Rue.” Lexi says, her voice gaining an almost disappointed tone as she looks at her with a sigh. “Sometimes there are things someone can do that make someone else love them that the person doesn’t even realise they’re doing, you know that?”

“Lex-”

“Don’t ‘Lex’ me, Rue. There are things you’ve done for me that you have no idea about. So you shut up right now and let me fucking love you, okay?”

She looks so intimidating, so dominant and different to the Lexi Rue’s used to, that Rue shrinks slightly back, and, marvelling at her own cowardice, nods immediately. “Yes, Lexi.”

“Damn right, yes, Lexi,” Lexi grins.

Rue’s probably wondered, at least… twenty times, in her life, if she should say what she’s about to say to Lexi. She thought, once, when she came down from a particularly large high, that she’d told Lexi, and the fact that she couldn’t remember properly had sent her into a panic attack so extreme that her mom had to take her to the ER.

Turns out she hadn’t told Lexi, by the way. She’d asked Cassie the next day and Cassie had promised she’d been nowhere near their house.

A deep breath.

Breathing is weird. A subconscious action that everything rides on, an action that sometimes is so hard and sometimes happens to much or not enough. Weird.

She’s been quiet for too long and now Lexi’s looking at her quizzically, like she’s trying to solve a word puzzle but the puzzle is Rue.

“Good luck,” Rue murmurs, and Lexi’s eyebrow raises. Rue shakes her head with a blush and starts, very lowly, to speak.

“I used to think that you were a fairy,” she says, biting her lip with a nervous laugh. “Dad used to tell me that no one was one hundred percent nice, except elves and fairies and Santa. And since you weren’t fat and bald and didn’t say ‘ho ho ho’ and you didn’t have pointy ears I just assumed you were a fairy.”

Lexi giggles. “I’m not a fairy.”

“Well, duh, you can’t fly. But I genuinely believed you were a fairy… and even now, I think you can’t possibly be human, Lex, because no human is this kind and caring.”

“Ah, but what you’re forgetting is that I’m not like this to everyone. Ask Cassie, she thinks I’m literally the sister from hell.”

“So it’s me,” Rue murmurs. “You’re like this for me. Which makes it both better and more stupid, because I’m one hundred percent not worth that – don’t tell me to shut up, Howard – but you do it anyway, you do it all time and time again, no matter how fucking rude I am, and I hate myself for ever upsetting you and I’m so, _so_ sorry, but I love you because –”

“I get that you don’t mean it,” Lexi finishes, eyes trained on Rue.

“Yeah,” Rue admits. “Every time I need you, you’re there with a shoulder to cry on, you’re one of the only people who can calm me down, you’re always there, and I just –” She looks up, makes perfect, naked eye contact. “I love you.”

It’s raw. Raw and emotional and _true_, for once, not just words spoken out of friendship, not just a slip of the tongue.

Rue means it with every inch of her body, every cell that’s residing inside her.

And Lexi knows she means it. Rue sees it in the way her eyes crinkle and her chest hitches and her throat bobs with a swallow.

She knows.

Her eyes flick up to make contact with Rue and it’s a split second of acknowledgement but not acceptance before she lets out a shaky sigh and reads out the next question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it, lovelies. im going to sleep now but maybe leave a comment so that when i wake up for school tomorrow i have something nice to read? love you xx


	12. Chapter Twelve ~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> almost finished!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it's been a while because it's been a very long two weeks lol. but hey! second last chapter, and the next is pretty short so this is basically the main climax! (small pun there. hehe foreshadowing). anyways. my week has been terrible soooo please lmk what you thought!!   
can't wait for you to read it. sorry to leave you hanging. also! as soon as this is posted i am posting the first of many in a collection of oneshots im working on... so check that out :)  
love you all sm xxx

Rue’s not gonna pretend it doesn’t hurt. It does. It fucking does.

But she knows she deserves it, and she accepts that.

So she ignores the drop her heart makes and looks up at Lexi, reading the question, her head framed in an angelic, golden light from the lamp above their heads. Lexi’s got wisps of hair floating around her face and she looks –

She looks perfect.

“Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.”

“This whole night,” Rue snorts. “God, you know way too much about me now.”

“What makes you think I didn’t know before?”

Rue raises an eyebrow.

“Fuck,” Lexi swears, breaking into giggles that immediately serve to break the slight ice that had been previously forming between them. “No – no, that was creepy, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Sure you didn’t, Howard,” Rue chuckles, trailing her hand to rest over Lexi’s knee and smiling at the warmth she finds there. “Your turn.”

“Do you remember the swimming carnival in seventh grade?”

Rue shrugs. Honestly, she probably doesn’t. Her dad was really sick, in the early grades of middle school, and the whole experience was kind of just a blur. “Not in any particular detail.”

Lexi sighs, rolling her eyes. “So, I was signed up for every event because swimming’s the only thing I can really do, yknow, with my hip, right? And I lined up behind the diving block all ready to go, shaking with excitement, and that dumb buzzer went and we all dived in, and I went _off_, swam my heart out, right?”

“Right,” Rue nods, a smile hitting her lips as she watches Lexi’s obvious mortification.

“And I won… god, I was so proud, the others were _ages_ behind…” Lexi shakes her head with a laugh. “And you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because it was a fucking _breaststroke race_! And I swum freestyle!”

Rue looks at Lexi’s adamant face, how her hands are thrown up in exasperation, and lets out a splutter of laughter. “Oh my god, you _didn’t_.”

“I did,” Lexi says, bowing her head as she laughs. “God… I was mortified, I spent the rest of the day in the locker room crying… what an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Rue says unconvincingly, still cackling. “Well… kinda.”

“Gee, thanks,” Lexi scoffs, shoving her. “You’re _so_ nice.”

“One of my best qualities,” Rue agrees, mock-seriously. “God, you’re a dumbass.”

“I am,” Lexi agrees sadly, her mouth breaking into a grin. “I can’t believe I did that…” She buries her face in her hands, keening lowly. “God…”

“Get over yourself,” Rue teases, pulling her hands out from beneath her chin. “I have another question.”

Lexi rests her elbows on the bed and sits her chin atop her fists, eyes traced on Rue’s as Rue’s hand circles her wrist.

“When did you – oh, we both know this – did you last cry in front of another person.”

“Like, an hour ago,” Lexi laughs, her dimples poking out from within her cheeks. “You, too.”

“Okay, next,” Rue scrolls for a second. “I think the person who wrote these is getting bored. Tell the person something you like about them.”

“I like how you smell… like coffee and musk and vanilla,” Lexi shrugs. “I don’t know, I’ve always wanted to tell you that.”

Rue grins. “I like the way you blush at literally the mere _mention_ of… adult activities.”

Lexi, right on cue, blushes. “Shut up, no I don’t.”

“Oh yeah, Howard? What’s this?” Rue’s thumb brushes the warm red of Lexi’s cheek teasingly. “I think. I see. A blush. Hmm?”

Lexi swats her hand away with a giggle, suddenly painfully aware of the pulsing between her thighs. She has to work consciously to push her mind away from it, shifts an inch away from Rue until they’re not touching anymore so it dulls down a little. “Shut up, crazy.”

“If I shut up, we can’t finish the questions,” Rue points out, and Lexi sighs, grinning, as she gives up on whatever fuckery is happening between her legs and nuzzles her head needily into Rue’s neck. “Come on, then, next question.”

“Getting bored, Howard?”

“No, Bennett, I just don’t think you’re in love with me yet.”

Rue does some sort of over enunciated wink and immediately hates herself for it, blushes, and covers it up by coughing awkwardly and reading the next question out in a voice that squeaks and breaks far too much for her liking. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”

“Oh, you’re gonna say nothing,” Lexi laughs. She knows fully well that Rue hides beneath her dry humour, her sarcasm, her witty responses. “You joke about _everything_!”

“Fair point,” Rue grins, remembering earlier that evening, before she came to Lexi’s, how she’d told her mother that she _definitely wasn’t going to get high, Mom._

Her mom hadn’t found it funny. Rue thought she was hilarious.

“I think… rape,” Lexi shrugs, and Rue nods. “And probably suicide.”

“There’s a place and time for everything.” Rue reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, exposing a cheekbone that Lexi finds herself wanting to kiss.

She shakes her head, pulls the phone from Rue’s slack hand and reads the next question. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

Rue’s eyes flick around the room, trying to look anywhere but Lexi, teeth suddenly around the stress scar on her lips again.

“Take a deep breath,” Lexi murmurs. Her hand finds Rue’s, squeezes it gently. Rue tries to stop herself from shaking. She’s not sure exactly _why_ she’s feeling like this – maybe the fact that she’s slowly realising that if she dies tonight there’s a million things fucked up in her life that she hasn’t fixed, hasn’t even _tried_ to fix.

“Lex, if I – if I _die_ tonight –”

“You’re not going to.”

“I know – I know, but if I did, I’ve fucked so many things up, Lexi, and I don’t know how to f-fix _any _ of them…” Rue starts to cry, feeling stupidly dumb and insecure but unable to stop anyways. She roams her teary eyes up to meet Lexi’s, lip wobbling.

“Hey,” Lexi murmurs. “Shh… hey, come here, Rue, you’re okay… shh, c’mere –” She pulls Rue closer until the taller girl scrambles into her lap and buries her face in Lexi’s neck, tears dripping down her face.

“Someone’s tired, hmm?” Lexi whispers, rubbing her back. Lexi’s always been so very maternal – despite her mother being possibly the worst mother to ever exist – she’s always had this special _touch_… like a gift of being able to kiss a forehead and immediately make that person feel better.

She does this now – kisses Rue’s temples and her forehead and her chin, runs her fingers through her hair and rubs her back, strokes her jaw. Rue sniffles drowsily in her arms. “What if I _do_ die, Lex?”

Lexi shakes her head. “No, Rue-Rue. You can’t die, okay?”

“W-Why not? I probably deserve it.” Rue closes her eyes. “I _do_ deserve it.”

“No, you do not,” Lexi whispers. “Listen, bubs, you’re not gonna die, okay? You can’t. And you know why?”

Rue’s eyes flutter open, and she reaches a shuddering hand up to swipe at her tears. “W-Why?”

Lexi swallows thickly, presses her lips to Rue’s scalp so that the taller girl can’t see her face, and whispers gently. “Because I love you, Rue Bennett.”

Rue, for once in her life, doesn’t panic. She looks up in – not surprise, exactly, more like… a calm sense of knowing. She sniffs loudly and melts into Lexi’s arms, pressing her lips over and over to Lexi’s neck. Lexi tries not to shudder, tries not to bump her hips up into Rue’s thigh that’s resting between her legs.

“We didn’t even finish the questions,” Rue whispers against Lexi’s skin. “Yet it still worked.”

“What if I told you there was an uncontrolled variable?” Lexi murmurs back. “In that I began, already knowing the results.”

Rue smiles. “Then that’s cheating.”

“Guess we’ll have to finish the experiment to see if you get the same results.”

Rue decides not to tell her that she’s 98% sure her results will be identical – that they’ve been that way since they were children, that she never had and never will stop loving Alexandra Sophia Howard.

Instead, she smiles warmly at Lexi and turns, once again, back to the questions, ready to finish them once and for all, but not ready either because god the future looks so unsure right now. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to do when she’s in love with Lexi. Because with Jules, it was all new and exciting and fast and unplanned.

With Lexi, it’s old. It’s old and familiar and has a sense of family to it. Rue feels comfortable, she doesn’t have to be pressured, it’s kind and warm and like a hot mug of cocoa on a stormy night.

Being in love with Lexi isn’t scary. It’s safe. And kind. And caring.

Rue likes it.

“Your house,” Lexi says gently. “Containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be and why?”

Rue smiles. “That ceramic vase you made me.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Rue hits her. “Please don’t insult my favourite item. It’s very special to me.”

Lexi doesn’t know whether she’s joking or not, so she shakes her head with a smile and palms Rue’s cheek to turn her head towards a corkboard on the wall. “I’d take that,” she says. The board is covered in pictures and photos and ticket stubs and dangly things. Rue catches pictures of Cassie, of Maddy, of her and Gia and Kat. There’s the plane ticket from when they went to Australia, hospital bracelets from Lexi’s many surgeries on her hips. Rue can see a Christmas card she’d painstakingly worked on for hours one year that Gia had then spilt cocoa on and Rue had been so fucking depressed – but Lexi had loved it anyway.

“That board is my childhood,” Lexi murmurs, reaching up to finger a worn edge of a certificate from year three little athletics. It said ‘participation’ because Lexi hadn’t won anything – of course she hadn’t, she’d been six weeks out of surgery at the time, and Rue remembers walking along with her around the track while everyone else raced ahead of them.

“I don’t have anything like that,” Rue says sadly, and Lexi makes a sudden mental note to gather everything she’s collected from the sixteen years of their friendship and to put it into a scrapbook for Rue’s birthday.

“It’s probably stupid,” she says now, though they both know it isn’t. “Anyways, I’d save that for sure.”

“Lexi,” Rue says, out of the blue. “Let’s adopt a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yeah,” Rue smiles fuzzily up at her, white teeth showing eerily in the dark. “A little ginger tabby. We can name her Aurora.”

“Okay,” Lexi says simply, because it’s four am and she’s so sleep deprived and anything seems possible at this point. “Let’s do it.”

Rue smiles happily, and then, like any other time, goes back to the questions. “Oh, this is morbid. Out of anyone in your family, who’s death would you find most disturbing and why?”

“Jesus, mood killer,” Lexi laughs. “I don’t know. I feel like I’d be more traumatised if _you_ died.”

“Depressing,” Rue says softly. “Eh, I don’t really plan on dying soon. Wouldn’t you be sad if Cassie died?”

“I mean, yeah, but more sad if you died.”

“Okay, fair enough.” Rue scrunches her face up. “Change of topic, this is too sad. Plus, I think this is the last question…”

Lexi’s hit with a bud of nervousness that tingles down to the pits of her stomach and the root of her spine. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen after this but right now she _really_ hope it involves kissing the girl straddling her lap.

Rue takes a deep, dramatic breath. “Are… you… _ready_…”

Lexi raises an eyebrow. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.”

“Personally,” Lexi whispers lowly. “I really want to kiss you. But I’m afraid if I do I won’t be able to stop.”

Rue swallows heavily. “Personally,” she squeaks back. “I really want to kiss you, too.”

“How do you think I’m feeling about this problem, Rue?” Lexi’s voice is almost sultry, low and deep and _fuck_, Rue’s turned on.

“Uh – co-confused,” she whispers. “And – need – you need it.”

“Damn right, I do,” Lexi gasps, and then she leans forward and her arm is curled around Rue’s waist supportively and in her haste to get her mouth on Rue’s she knocks the phone down and out of her hand, and it clicks onto the last –

“Final question,” Rue growls. “There was supposed to be thirty six, you dumb fuck!”

Lexi starts to laugh at Rue’s obvious frustration, but she picks up the phone and reads out the instructions as Rue harrumphs and folds her arms across her chest because they were so _fucking close_.

“In order to solidify your love,” Lexi says, and Rue softens slightly with a small smile. “You have to look into your partner’s eyes for four minutes. In _silence_. It’s hard and you’ll squirm, but you’ll learn an incredible amount. Good luck… That’s it. We just have to look at each other?”

Rue shrugs, sets a timer, and says cheekily “Speak to you in four minutes, Howard. Enjoy gazing at my eyes.”

And then, before Lexi can say anything, Rue starts the timer and they both fall into an easy silence.

Rue notices the exact colour of Lexi’s eyes, how they’re glimmering in the moonlight, and she thinks about how cringey it is that that’s what she’s noticing – so cliché.

Lexi thinks about how so many times she’s looked into these eyes and they’ve been red and teary, or blank, bloodshot and dilated. She thinks about how sometimes she’d pick Rue up from the side of the road on the way home from school and lug her bike into the back of their car and look into Rue’s glazed over orbs and just start to cry.

She’s glad that right now, they’re clear and alert and bright and maybe a little sleepy. They look beautiful, with a slightly golden tinge from the streetlight out the window.

They’re not supposed to move, but maybe a minute and a half in Rue’s leg starts to bump up and down and Lexi just _knows_ her friend wants to look away because Rue’s beginning to look a little bit anxious. She tries to reassure her with just her eyes and Rue’s brown orbs soften a bit as she smiles, blinks twice, and looks right back at Lexi.

Her leg doesn’t stop, though.

Instead, it moves.

Because Rue’s straddling Lexi, her kneecap is sitting – resting – just in the curve of her hip, near her pelvis bone. And as it continues shaking, it stirs up the consistent tingling Lexi’s felt all night right between her legs, and by the time they hit the three minute mark she’s sure Rue can see, in her eyes, just the effect her jiggling leg is having on Lexi’s physique.

Lexi’s eyes widen and Rue’s smile, and Lexi’s sure Rue knows exactly what she’s doing and she has to stop herself from moving to hit her or to move her leg or to fucking _ride_ it because god she’s so fucking horny.

Surely they’re almost done.

They have to be almost done.

Rue’s not sure she’s ever looked at someone for so long. She generally hates eye contact, preferring to hide behind sunglasses and sly glances, but if she has to do this with _someone_, she’s so glad it’s Lexi.

Because Lexi Howard is beautiful. And there’s no shortage of things to admire about her.

Although, Rue’s found it’s impossible to look into both Lexi’s eyes at once, so she’s been swapping every fifteen seconds so neither of them feel left out.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

The time shocks them both, dings out loudly so that Lexi flinches and swears because as aforementioned it’s really early and the sheer volume of the alarm might wake the whole house. Rue giggles.

When Lexi finally manages to shut it off, she looks back at Rue – who’s suddenly very, _very_ close to her –

“Now that we’re finished,” she whispers huskily. “Am I allowed to kiss you?”

Rue nods, dumbstruck as Lexi moves her hand to curl around the back of Rue’s neck and pulls her forward lightly. “I’m going to kiss you now, Rue Bennett,” she mumbles, and Rue nods stupidly again. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Rue whispers back, and then Lexi’s lips are on hers and her waist is shifting so it’s resting on Lexi’s and she’s got her hands in Lexi’s hair and _god it feels nice_.

Lexi lets her hands trace down to Rue’s hips and slip under the oversized shirt she has on. She pulls away for a second and laughs lowly when Rue whines, presses forward immediately for more.

“Shhh,” Lexi murmurs, caressing Rue’s sides, feeling the beautiful soft skin on her hips, pressing her lips back against Rue’s.

Rue sighs happily, pushes herself closer to Lexi and lets her hands roam up behind Lexi’s top, traces Lexi’s collarbone with her hands and then her lips. Lexi throws her head back with a gasp, clutches at Rue’s top within her fists, and Rue _feels_ her breath hitch as she claws her fingers gently along the smooth skin of Lexi’s back.

“Shall we get rid of this?” She husks, and Lexi squeaks out a _yes_ and helps Rue to pull it awkwardly over her head.

Lexi lets out a quiet gasp at the sight of Rue’s smooth, soft stomach. It’s slightly toned, a hint of fat around her hips that Lexi fondles softly with a content sigh. “Rue…” Lexi whispers. “You’re fucking beautiful.”

Rue smiles, her eyes still closed, and Lexi’s eyes trail up to land finally on Rue’s round breasts – fuck.

“So fucking beautiful,” she whispers again, and her fingers ghost the side of Rue’s boob before it drops down and Rue kisses her again.

Lexi opens her mouth a little and lets Rue’s tongue mix with hers, feels the softness of Rue’s lips against hers again and realises that she’ll never, _never_ get sick of this.

“Lex,” Rue whispers softly. “You have too many clothes on.”

“One might argue you do, too,” Lexi says smugly back, but she lets Rue pull her tshirt off and tries to ignore the small pit of anxiety brewing in her stomach because she’s so bare now, because now neither of them –

Have bras on.

Rue smiles sexily and reaches out softly. “Can I touch?”

Lexi swallows thickly and nods, and then Rue’s palm connects with Lexi’s small breasts and she gasps, her breath breaking, and her eyes flick up to Lexi’s before she leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of her chest.

Lexi stops breathing. “Do that again. P-Please.”

Rue smiles, leans down again and presses a line of kisses in between Lexi’s breasts before she’s taking a perky nipple in between her lips and sucking gently.

“Fuck, Rue!” Lexi’s way too loud and she must realise this immediately because she quietens, a hand pulling Rue’s head back from her breast.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” Rue says immediately. “Fuck, was that bad?”

“N-No,” Lexi pants. “No, god no…”

“Do you want – uh, should I do it again?”

Lexi nods. “P-Please, Rue –”

Rue smiles, wraps both her arms around Lexi’s waist and buries her face amongst Lexi’s boobs – _Lexi’s boobs!_ – again, flicking her tongue across the buds of Lexi’s nipples, eliciting soft gasps from the girl who’s now beneath her, sucking and kissing until she pulls away with a pop and leans back up to kiss Lexi again.

Lexi tastes like cocoa and chapstick, and Rue sucks hungrily at her lips, pulling away again to suck a dark mark just below her ear.

Lexi swears lowly, arching her head back and pushing Rue back in an attempt to get her head where she wants it. “D-Down.”

“Oh really?” Rue teases lightly, and Lexi blushes. “Let me take my time, Miss Howard. I’m enjoying this.”

“C’mon, Rue…” Lexi whines. “F-Fuck.”

Rue shakes her head with a giggle and keeps pressing little trails of kisses all around Lexi’s stomach, in the curvatures of her hips and her pelvis and around her belly button.

“Fuck you,” Lexi whispers again, and then her hand is tangled in Rue’s hair and pushing her downwards, because she’s wanted this all fucking night and she’s not sure how much longer she can hold off.

“Someone’s eager,” Rue says lowly, but she slips a finger below Lexi’s waistband and slaps the elastic against her skin. Lexi gasps, grip on Rue’s head tightening, and Rue smiles smokily up at her before she peels down the plain black underpants and disposes of them on the ground.

Then she proceeds to have a mini gay panic because “F-uck, Lex, you’re so beautiful.”

Lexi smiles breathily – not for long, though, because Rue’s finger drags up her – _very wet_ – slit and comes to nestle right next to Lexi’s pulsing clit. “Okay, Lexi – Lex?”

Lexi whines needily, her hips bucking slightly. “F-Fuck, yes. Perfectly o-okay.”

“Mmm, good,” Rue grins, starting to roll her finger in slow circles around Lexi’s stiff nub, revelling in the way the shorter girl gasps for breath beneath her. She presses another fingers into Lexi’s open flaps and then pulls both out.

“Hey, wait,” Lexi says dumbly, and Rue giggles.

“Shh, it’s okay,” she whispers, and then she leans down slightly and presses her lips just above the soft tufts of hair covering Lexi’s mound. Lexi’s breath hitches visibly, and Rue moves her lips to the inside of her thigh before trailing a line of kisses right up into the apex of her legs.

“Fuck,” Lexi’s whispering, over and over again, and the way the mere sound of Lexi’s moans is affecting Rue’s physique is not. fucking. funny.

When Rue’s lips finally close in around her clit, Lexi lets out a moan so vulgar and low that Rue has to squeeze her legs together, sucking gently, her tongue flicking in circles as she brings up a hand beneath her chin to slip a finger into Lexi.

Lexi’s bucking up with every flick of Rue’s tongue now, desperate for some sort of release as she pants and moans and makes sounds that Rue realises she’ll never get out of her head.

It seems, to Lexi, as if it can’t get any better.

But then Rue’s fingers curve up in this come hither motion that has Lexi shoving her spare hand into her mouth to stop herself from screaming, has her back lifted high off the bed as Rue hits that _one_ spot over and over again, as her tongue works magic on her clit and suddenly Lexi’s saying

“Fuck, Rue, right there – fuck, right there, Rue-Rue, right there – _fuck!”_

And Rue’s stomach is clenching as she keeps thrusting her fingers into Lexi and whispering up how wet she is, how good she feels, until suddenly

“Fuck, Rue – I’m go – gonna –”

Lexi’s whole body goes stiff as Rue bites down on her clit, and she lets out a series of swears ending with a long _ohh_ that makes Rue clench her thighs together as she helps Lexi ride out her high.

“Fuck,” Lexi says again, once her back is back on the mattress and she’s stopped clenching around Rue’s fingers. “_Fuck_.”

“You okay?” Rue asks teasingly, watching as Lexi blushes as she realises that Rue’s between her fucking _legs_, and just like that Lexi Howard is back.

Except this time, it’s a Lexi Howard Rue has fucked.

Neither of them can stop the wide smiles that spread across their faces – Rue pulls her fingers out and cleans them off before she’s scampering up the bed to hold Lexi’s face and kiss her fully, putting every fucking emotion she’s felt in the last eight or so hours into this goddamn kiss.

Lexi flips her over with surprising ease, straddles her immediately and presses a hand to Rue’s pelvis to stop her from rubbing up against Lexi’s waist.

“Lex,” Rue murmurs against her. “We don’t have to do this.”

“Always the gentlewoman,” Lexi quirks, and then she lets Rue help her kick the oversized boyshorts off and starts to trail her fingers over Rue’s side.

Rue lets out a giggle and Lexi raises an eyebrow. “Ticklish?”

There’s barely any time to admit yes before she’s letting out a loud gasp as Lexi’s fingertips brush over her clothed clit, the nub sticking out prominently through the material. Rue’s wet. She’s far too wet for it not to be at least a little embarrassing, but at the moment –

Neither of them care.

Because once she manages to pull Rue’s panties off, Lexi’s fingers trace through Rue’s folds to find the source of the wetness that’s still seeping steadily out with every kiss Lexi presses to her stomach and her breasts and her lips, and once they find that source Lexi spreads it up and over Rue’s clit and Rue’s already shaking steadily at the sheer amount of _pleasure_ she can feel.

“Feel okay?” Lexi’s not really ready to admit she’s never done this before and is mainly going off what she’s seen and read online, but she’s sure Rue knows. Rue knows everything.

Rue nods. “Yeah.” It feels way better than okay but she’s not really in the position to get words out right now, as Lexi lowers her head to press more kisses against the line of her hipbones and then finally ducks down where Rue wants – _needs_ – her to be.

She spends a little time on her clit, swiping and flicking and kissing and licking until Rue’s a shaking mess beneath her, unable to produce any sounds but pants and gasps and curses and moans of Lexi’s name. Then she replaces her tongue with her fingers and travels her mouth down further to explore Rue’s opening.

The minute her tongue enters, Rue’s hips buck up so far that her pelvis hits Lexi’s forehead and she stutters out an apology before she’s grinding against Lexi’s tongue in the search for some sort of release. Lexi licks and sucks with an ease she’s unsure of the origin of, but she bases her actions of the sounds Rue makes, whether or not something works.

There’s a spot she finds, that if she jabs her tongue in long and hard, that makes Rue grasp at her hair and scratch her short nails across Lexi’s back, a spot that she doesn’t have to work hard at for very long before Rue’s panting in her ear that –

“Lexi, f-fuck, fuck – Lex, I’m close – I’m so close, Lex, f-fuck – fuck, keep going, keep going, I’m gonna - _Lexi!_”

She comes undone with a way-too-loud scream of Lexi’s name and when the other girl finally pulls her head up from between Rue’s thighs, her face is wet with juices and sweat.

Rue’s shivering uncontrollably, her body still spasming with aftershocks as Lexi makes her way up and kisses her gently on the nose. Rue’s eyes are closed in euphoria, face stuck in blank pleasure as she slowly reaches a hand up to press a single finger to Lexi’s lips.

“C’mere,” Rue whispers, and Lexi tucks herself into Rue’s sweaty body, laying on her side with her leg thrown over Rue’s and her arms wrapped tight around her waist. She nudges her head gently into Rue’s neck, feels the other girl press a soft kiss to her temple, and sniffles sleepily.

“Night, Rue-Rue,” Lexi whispers gently, and she knows there are a million more things to say but she also knows that Rue knows them all.

“Goodnight, Lex,” Rue murmurs back, and with her arms curled around the smaller girl, she finally feels content.

It’s silent for a few minutes, just the sound of two girls – one catching her breath, the other’s breath evening out – and then Rue stirs slightly.

“Lexi,” she whispers. “I love you.”

“Cliché,” Lexi teases back, but she turns her lips up to meet Rue’s with a smile. “I love you too.”


	13. Chapter Thirteen ~ aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last one!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh hi! i've missed you all so much, school is being a BITCH but i'm back!!
> 
> uh so. this is the end, hmmm? this is the first multi chap fic i've ever finished lol and i'm super invested in it because these are my BABIES! thank you to anyone who's stuck around this long, you make me so happy.   
when you're done reading this, let me know of any ideas you want written coz i need a new project! 
> 
> also check out 100 ways to say i love you :)) 
> 
> thank you all so much. you're the bestest.   
all my love,
> 
> char <3

Aftermath.

It’s a word Lexi’s never really liked, because it’s always been associated with bad things – the aftermath of her dad’s death. The aftermath of her hip surgeries. The aftermath of Rue’s overdose.

This time, the aftermath is nice.

She wakes up, a tangle of bodies against Rue, and, until she realises they’re both still naked, convinces herself that the whole of last night was an exquisite dream her brain concocted.

But then Rue rolls over with a sleepy smile and kisses her hello and she realises that even if it was a dream, it was real.

She kisses Rue Leslie Bennett for probably half an hour until Rue suggests they shower because, uh, certain activities they did last night weren’t so clean.

They shower wrapped up together, because all the hot water is out and they’re giggling and shivering by the time they get out of the shower, towel off, and get dressed.

Rue wasn’t really planning on having to shower at the Howard residence, so of course she doesn’t have any clothes.

Lexi has an easy solution to this, and by the time they head out to the kitchen Rue’s got a way-too-short mickey mouse tshirt on and a skirt of Lexi’s that must be way too big on her because it’s just covering Rue’s ass.

Lexi’s got on this shoulderless sundress, yellow and floral and flowy, and Rue has to genuinely take a minute to breathe in and out because

“You look really beautiful, Lex.”

Lexi gives her this self conscious grin and pecks her quickly on the lips, letting Rue’s hands roam over her waist before she pulls back and leads them to the kitchen.

It smells amazing when they plonk down at bar stools and a minute later Cassie sets down a stack of pancakes in front of each of them as Lexi works on the coffee machine. A minute later, the sound of beans grinding fills the kitchen and Rue locks eyes with Lexi with a warm smile because this is the type of environment she’s always loved about the Howard household.

Lexi sets a steaming cappuccino down in front of Rue’s plate a few moments later and Rue sips at it happily as Cassie piles out maple syrup and sugar and lemon and strawberries and even _icecream_ for their breakfasts.

It seems perfect.

But Cassie’s biting her lip with a grin whenever she looks at them and Mrs Howard has this knowing glint in her eye and Rue hasn’t even got through half her pancakes (and icecream!) before Lexi’s rolling her eyes with a heavy blush and grabbing her hand to pull her out of there.

“They knew,” she says breathlessly, once she’s got Rue outside and they’re walking the familiar track towards the lake.

“Oh, they totally knew,” Rue grins, and Lexi falls into her with a giggle, wrapping her arm around Rue’s waist as Rue pulls her closer. “Do you wanna tell ‘em or let them have their ideas and not confirm anything?”

They’ve reached the lake by now and Lexi pulls Rue down next to her with a smile. “Well, what exactly would we be confirming?”

Rue smiles slyly. “That I made you scream?”

Lexi blushes bright red, burying her face in Rue’s shoulder. “Shut up,” she says, her voice muffled. “I made you scream too.”

“That you did, Miss Howard,” Rue says, kissing the spot below her ear. “Pretty sure you don’t want them to know that either though, hmm?”

Lexi giggles. “God, no. And I don’t really wanna tell them that we spent the whole night playing a middle schooler’s game.” She pokes Rue with a grin.

Rue pretends to look hurt. “Are you dissing my game, despite the fact that it got you laid?”

Lexi hits her. “Shut up. It got me more than that.” She pokes her tongue out at Rue. “Got me blackmail material… all your tickle spots…”

Rue stops the banter for a second, smiling softly. “You’re right,” she says quietly. “It got us both _way_ more than we bargained for. And if you’re happy to, I’d like everyone to know that.”

Lexi’s breath hitches, and she swallows heavily, looking right into Rue’s eyes. The lake, and the golden shimmer of the sunlight, is reflected in them, and she kisses the space between them quickly before she looks up again. “What are you saying, Rue?”

Rue looks slightly nervous. She has curls framing her pretty face that flutter in the wind, and she bites her lip as she blinks doefully at Lexi. Lexi squeezes her hand.

It’s a thing they have going on.

“I mean, you can say no if you want to – if all that meant nothing, last night – though I don’t think it did, I think it meant the same to you as it does to me –”

“Rue,” Lexi murmurs. “You’re rambling.”

Rue gives her a little smile and takes a deep breath. _Now or never, Bennett. Just say the word. _ “I think what I’m trying to say is… would you wanna be my girlfriend, Lex? I mean, you can say no and all, I’ll under-”

Lexi cuts her off with a long kiss, her lips in a smile as she curls a hand around the back of Rue’s neck, her thumb gently brushing her chin as she tries to put a million things and more into one kiss. It’s kind of impossible, really, how you can need someone to know so many things and still have trouble portraying them. So Lexi just kisses her and kisses her and revels in the warmth from the sunlight that’s reflected on Rue’s lips. And only when she’s sure she’s given it enough, that she’s made Rue understand, does she pull back with a teasing smile. “As if I’d ever be able to say no to you, Rue Bennett.”

And Rue’s face splits into the sunniest smile and she falls backwards onto the grass and pulls Lexi down with her, peppers kisses across Lexi’s face and her neck and her bare shoulders, laughs and giggles and smiles in the sun because finally, she feels okay.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on twitter - @gracefuldaya :) xx
> 
> please leave a comment, they make this all worth it (not that it's not. i just like feeling valid lmao) love you all!


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